____________________________________________
Aristophanes
Clouds
____________________________________________
Translator’s Note
This translation by Ian Johnston of Vancouver
Island University, Nanaimo, BC, has certain copyright restrictions. For information
please use the following link: Copyright. For comments or question please contact Ian
Johnston.
This text is available in the form of a Word or
Publisher file for those who would like to print it off as a small
book. There is no charge for these files. For details, please use the
following link: Publisher files. This
translation is also available in book form from Richer Resources Publications. For a list of other translations and lectures by
Ian Johnston, please consult the following link: johnstonia.
The translator would like to acknowledge the
valuable help provided by K. J. Dover’s commentary on the play (Oxford
University Press, 1968) and by Alan H. Sommerstein’s
notes in his edition of Clouds (Aris & Phillips, 1982).
In the text below the numbers in square brackets
refer to the Greek text. The asterisks (*) indicate links to explanatory
notes, which appear together at the end.
Other Links
of Interest
Introductory lecture on Aristophanes' Clouds
Frogs (e-text)
Birds (e-text)
johnstonia home page
Historical Note
Clouds was
first produced in the drama festival in Athens—the City Dionysia—in
423 BC, where it placed third. Subsequently the play was revised, but the
revisions were never completed. The text which survives is the revised version,
which was apparently not performed in Aristophanes’ time but which circulated
in manuscript form. This revised version does contain some anomalies which have
not been fully sorted out (e.g., the treatment of Cleon, who died between the
original text and the revisions). At the time of the first production, the
Athenians had been at war with the Spartans, off and on, for a number of years.
Clouds
Dramatis Personae
STREPSIADES:
a middle-aged Athenian
PHEIDIPPIDES: a young Athenian, son of Strepsiades
XANTHIAS: a slave serving Strepsiades
STUDENT: one of Socrates’ pupils in the Thinkery
SOCRATES: chief teacher in the Thinkery
CHORUS OF CLOUDS
THE BETTER ARGUMENT: an older man
THE WORSE ARGUMENT: a young man
PASIAS: one of Strepsiades’ creditors
WITNESS: a friend of Pasias
AMYNIAS: one of Strepsiades’ creditors
STUDENTS OF SOCRATES
[Scene: In the centre of the stage area is a house
with a door to Socrates’ educational establishment, the Thinkery.* On one side of the stage is Strepsiades' house, in
front of which are two beds. Outside the Thinkery
there is a small clay statue of a round goblet, and outside Strepsiades’ house
there is a small clay statue of Hermes. It is just before dawn. Strepsiades and
Pheidippides are lying asleep in the two beds.
Strepsiades tosses and turns restlessly. Pheidippides
lets a very loud fart in his sleep. Strepsiades sits up wide awake]
STREPSIADES
Damn! Lord Zeus, how this night
drags on and on!
It’s endless. Won’t daylight ever
come?
I heard a cock crowing a while ago,
but my slaves kept snoring. In the
old days,
they wouldn’t have dared. Oh, damn
and blast this war—
so many problems. Now I’m not
allowed
to punish my own slaves.* And
then there’s him—
this fine young man, who never once wakes
up,
but farts the night away, all snug
in bed,
wrapped up in five wool coverlets.
Ah well, 10 [10]
I guess I should snuggle down and
snore away.
[Strepsiades lies down again and tries to sleep. Pheidippides farts again. Strepsiades finally gives up
trying to sleep]
STREPSIADES
I can’t sleep. I’m just too
miserable,
what with being eaten up by all this
debt—
thanks to this son of mine, his
expenses,
his racing stables. He keeps his
hair long
and rides his horses—he’s obsessed
with it—
his chariot and pair. He dreams of
horses.*
And I’m dead when I see the
month go by—
with the moon’s cycle now at twenty
days,
as interest payments keep on piling
up.*
20
[Calling to a slave]
Hey,
boy! Light the lamp. Bring me my accounts.
[Enter the slave Xanthias
with light and tablets]
Let me
take these and check my creditors.
How many are there? And then the
interest— [20]
I’ll have to work that out. Let me
see now . . .
What do I owe? “Twelve minai to Pasias?”
Twelve minai
to Pasias! What’s that for?
O yes, I know—that’s when I bought
that horse,
the pedigree nag. What a fool I am!
I’d sooner have a stone knock out my
eye.*
PHEIDIPPIDES [talking
in his sleep]
Philon,
that’s unfair! Drive your chariot straight.
30
STREPSIADES
That there’s my problem—that’s
what’s killing me.
Even fast asleep he dreams of
horses!
PHEIDIPPIDES [in
his sleep]
In this war-chariot race how many times
do we drive round the track?
STREPSIADES
You’re driving me,
your father, too far round the bend.
Let’s see,
after Pasias,
what’s the next debt I owe? [30]
“Three minai
to Amynias.” For what?
A small chariot board and pair of
wheels?
PHEIDIPPIDES [in
his sleep]
Let the horse have a roll. Then take him home.
STREPSIADES
You, my lad, have been rolling in
my cash. 40
Now I’ve lost in court, and other
creditors
are going to take out liens on all
my stuff
to get their interest.
PHEIDIPPIDES [waking
up]
What’s the matter, dad?
You’ve been grumbling and tossing
around there
all night long.
STREPSIADES
I keep getting bitten—
some bum bailiff in the bedding.
PHEIDIPPIDES
Ease off, dad.
Let me get some sleep.
STREPSIADES
All right, keep sleeping.
Just bear in mind that one fine day
these debts [40]
will all be your concern.
[Pheidippides rolls over
and goes back to sleep]
Damn it, anyway.
I wish that matchmaker had died in
pain— 50
the one who hooked me and your
mother up.
I’d had a lovely time up to that point,
a crude, uncomplicated, country
life,
lying around just as I pleased, with
honey bees,
and sheep and olives, too. Then I
married—
the niece of Megacles—who
was the son
of Megacles.
I was a country man,
and she came from the town—a real
snob,
extravagant, just like Coesyra.*
When I married her and we both
went to bed, 60
I stunk of fresh wine, drying figs,
sheep’s wool— [50]
an abundance of good things. As for
her,
she smelled of perfume, saffron,
long kisses,
greed, extravagance, lots and lots
of sex.*
Now, I’m not saying she was a
lazy bones.
She used to weave, but used up too
much wool.
To make a point I’d show this cloak
to her
and say, “Woman, your weaving’s far
too thick.”*
[The lamp goes out]
XANTHIAS
We’ve got no oil left in the
lamp.
STREPSIADES
Damn it!
Why’d you light such a thirsty lamp?
Come here. 70
I need to thump you.
XANTHIAS
Why should you hit me?
STREPSIADES
Because you stuck too thick a
wick inside.
[The slave ignores Strepsiades and walks off into
the house]
After
that, when this son was born to us—
[60]
I’m talking about me and my good
wife—
we argued over what his name should
be.
She was keen to add -hippos to his name,
like Xanthippos,
Callipedes, or Chaerippos.*
Me, I wanted the name Pheidonides,
his grandpa's name. Well, we fought
about it,
and then, after a while, at last agreed. 80
And so we called the boy Pheidippides.
She used to cradle the young lad and
say,
”When you’re grown up, you’ll drive
your chariot
to the Acropolis, like Megacles,
in a full-length robe . . .” I’d
say, “No— [70]
you’ll drive your goat herd back
from Phelleus,
like your father, dressed in leather
hides . . .”
He never listened to a thing I said.
And now he’s making my finances
sick—
a racing fever. But I’ve spent all
night 90
thinking of a way to deal with this
whole mess,
and I’ve found one route, something
really good—
it could work wonders. If I could
succeed,
if I could convince him, I’d be all
right.
Well, first I’d better wake him up.
But how?
What would be the gentlest way to do
it?
[Strepsiades leans over and gently nudges Pheidippides]
Pheidippides . . . my little Pheidippides
. . .
PHEIDIPPIDES [very
sleepily]
What
is it, father? [80]
STREPSIADES
Give me a kiss—
then give me your right hand.
[Pheidippides sits up,
leans over, and does what his father has asked]
PHEIDIPPIDES
All right. There.
What’s going on?
STREPSIADES
Tell me this—do you love me? 100
PHEIDIPPIDES
Yes, I do, by Poseidon, lord of
horses.
STREPSIADES
Don’t give me that lord of horses
stuff—
he’s the god who’s causing all my
troubles.
But now, my son, if you really love
me,
with your whole heart, then follow
what I say.
PHEIDIPPIDES
What do you want to tell me I
should do?
STREPSIADES
Change your life style as quickly
as you can,
then go and learn the stuff I
recommend.
PHEIDIPPIDES
So tell me—what are you asking
me?
STREPSIADES: You’ll do just what I say?
PHEIDIPPIDES
Yes, I’ll do it— 110 [90]
I swear by Dionysus.
STREPSIADES
All right then.
Look over there—you see that little
door,
there on that little house?
PHEIDIPPIDES
Yes, I see it.
What are you really on about,
father?
STREPSIADES
That’s the Thinkery—for
clever minds.
In there
live men who argue and persuade.
They say that heaven’s an oven
damper—
it’s all around us—we’re the
charcoal.
If someone gives them cash, they’ll
teach him
how to win an argument on any cause, 120
just or unjust.
PHEIDIPPIDES
Who are
these men?
STREPSIADES
I’m not sure [100]
just what they call themselves, but
they’re good men,
fine, deep-thinking intellectual
types.
PHEIDIPPIDES
Nonsense! They’re a worthless
bunch. I know them—
you’re talking about pale-faced
charlatans,
who haven’t any shoes, like those
rascals
Socrates and Chaerephon.*
STREPSIADES
Shush, be quiet.
Don’t prattle on such childish
rubbish.
If you care about your father’s
daily food,
give up racing horses and, for my
sake, 130
join their company.
PHEIDIPPIDES
By Dionysus, no!
Not even if you give me as a gift
pheasants raised by Leogoras.*
STREPSIADES
Come on, son— [110]
you’re the dearest person in the
world to me.
I’m begging you. Go there and learn
something.
PHEIDIPPIDES
What is it you want me to learn?
STREPSIADES
They say
that those men have two kinds of
arguments—
the Better, whatever that may mean,
and the Worse. Now, of these two
arguments,
the Worse can make an unjust case
and win. 140
So if, for me, you’ll learn to speak
like this,
to make an unjust argument, well
then,
all those debts I now owe because of
you
I wouldn’t have to pay—no need to
give
an obol’s
worth to anyone.*
PHEIDIPPIDES
No way.
I can’t do that. With no colour in
my cheeks
I wouldn’t dare to face those rich
young Knights.*
[120]
STREPSIADES
Then, by Demeter, you won’t be
eating
any of my food—not you, not your
yoke horse,
nor your branded thoroughbred. To
hell with you— 150
I’ll toss you right out of this
house.*
PHEIDIPPIDES
All right—
but Uncle Megacles
won’t let me live
without my horses. I’m going in the
house.
I don’t really care what you're
going to do.
[Pheidippides stands up
and goes inside the house. Strepsiades gets out of bed]
STREPSIADES
Well, I’ll not take this set back
lying down.
I’ll pray to the gods and then go
there myself—
I’ll get myself taught in that Thinkery.
Still, I’m old and slow—my memory’s
shot.
How’m I
going to learn hair-splitting arguments,
[130]
all that fancy stuff? But I have to
go. 160
Why do I keep hanging back like
this?
I should be knocking on the door.
[Strepsiades marches up to the door of the Thinkery and knocks]
Hey, boy . . . little boy.
STUDENT [from
inside]
Go to Hell!
[The door opens and the student appears]
Who’s been knocking on the door?
STREPSIADES
I’m Strepsiades, the son of Pheidon,
from Cicynna.
STUDENT
By god, what a stupid man,
to kick the door so hard. You just
don’t think.
You made a newly found idea
miscarry!
STREPSIADES
I’m sorry. But I live in the
country,
far away from here. Tell me what’s
happened.
What’s miscarried?
STUDENT
It’s not right to mention it, 170 [140]
except to students.
STREPSIADES
You needn’t be concerned—
you can tell me. I’ve come here as a
student,
to study at the Thinkery.
STUDENT
I’ll tell you, then.
But you have to think of these as
secrets,
our holy mysteries. A while ago,
a flea bit Chaerephon
right on the eye brow,
and then jumped onto Socrates’ head.
So Socrates then questioned Chaerephon
about how many lengths of its own
feet
a flea could jump.
STREPSIADES
How’d he measure that? 180
STUDENT
Most ingeniously. He melted down
some wax,
then took the flea and dipped two
feet in it. [150]
Once that cooled, the flea had
Persian slippers.
He took those off and measured out
the space.
STREPSIADES
By Lord Zeus, what intellectual
brilliance!
STUDENT
Would you like to hear more of
Socrates,
another one of his ideas? What do
you say?
STREPSIADES
Which one? Tell me . . .
[The student pretends to be reluctant]
I’m begging you.
STUDENT
All right.
Chaerephon
of Sphettus once asked Socrates
whether, in his opinion, a gnat
buzzed 190
through its mouth or through its
anal sphincter.
STREPSIADES
What did Socrates say about the
gnat?
STUDENT
He said that the gnat’s
intestinal tract [160]
was narrow—therefore air passing
through it,
because of the constriction, was
pushed with force
towards the rear. So then that
orifice,
being a hollow space beside a narrow
tube,
transmits the noise caused by the
force of air.
STREPSIADES
So a gnat’s arse hole is a giant
trumpet!
O triply blessed man who could do
this, 200
anatomize the anus of a gnat!
A man who knows a gnat’s guts inside
out
would have no trouble winning law
suits.
STUDENT
Just recently he lost a great
idea—
a lizard stole it!
STREPSIADES
How’d that happen? Tell me. [170]
STUDENT
He was studying movements of the
moon—
its trajectory and revolutions.
One night, as he was gazing up, open
mouthed,
staring skyward, a lizard on the
roof
relieved itself on him.
STREPSIADES
A lizard crapped on Socrates! 210
That’s good!
STUDENT
Then, last night we had no dinner.
STREPSIADES
Well, well. What did Socrates
come up with,
to get you all some food to eat?
STUDENT
He spread some ashes thinly on
the table,
then seized a spit, went to the
wrestling school,
picked up a queer, and robbed him of
his cloak,
then sold the cloak to purchase
dinner.*
STREPSIADES
And we still admire Thales after that?* [180]
Come on, now, open up the Thinkery—
let me see Socrates without delay. 220
I’m dying to learn. So open up the
door.
[The doors of the Thinkery
slide open to reveal Socrates’ students studying on a porch (not inside a
room). They are in variously absurd positions and are all very thin and pale]
By
Hercules, who are all these creatures!
What country are they from?
STUDENT
You look surprised.
What do they look like to you?
STREPSIADES
Like prisoners—
those Spartan ones from Pylos.* But
tell me—
Why
do these ones keep staring at the earth?
STUDENT
They’re searching out what lies
beneath the ground.
STREPSIADES
Ah, they’re looking for some
bulbs. Well now,
you don’t need to worry any longer,
not about that. I know where bulbs
are found, 230 [190]
lovely big ones, too. What about
them?
What are they doing like that, all
doubled up?
STUDENT
They’re sounding out the depths
of Tartarus.
STREPSIADES
Why are their arse holes gazing
up to heaven?
STUDENT
Directed studies in astronomy.
[The Student addresses the other students in the
room]
Go
inside. We don’t want Socrates
to find you all in here.
STREPSIADES
Not yet, not yet.
Let them stay like this, so I can
tell them
what my little problem is.
STUDENT
It’s not allowed.
They can’t spend too much time
outside, 240
not in the open air.
[The students get up from their studying positions
and disappear into the interior of the Thinkery.
Strepsiades starts inspecting the equipment on the walls and on the tables]
STREPSIADES
My goodness,
what is this thing? Explain it to
me. [200]
STUDENT
That there’s astronomy.
STREPSIADES
And what’s this?
STUDENT
That’s geometry.
STREPSIADES
What use is that?
STUDENT
It’s used to measure land.
STREPSIADES
You mean those lands
handed out by lottery.*
STUDENT
Not just that—
it’s for land in general.
STREPSIADES
A fine idea—
useful . . . democratic, too.
STUDENT
Look over here—
here’s a map of the entire world.
See?
Right there, that’s Athens.
STREPSIADES
What do you mean? 250
I don’t believe you. There are no
jury men—
I don’t see them sitting on their
benches.
STUDENT
No, no—this space is really
Attica.*
STREPSIADES
Where are the citizens of Cicynna, [210]
the people in my deme?*
STUDENT
They’re right here.
This is Euboea, as you can see,
beside us, really stretched a long
way out.
STREPSIADES
I know—we pulled it apart, with
Pericles.*
Where abouts
is Sparta?
STUDENT
Where is it? Here.
STREPSIADES
It’s close to us. You must
rethink the place— 260
shift it—put it far away from us.
STUDENT
Can’t do that.
STREPSIADES [threatening]
Do it, by god, or I’ll make you cry!
[Strepsiades notices Socrates descending from above
in a basket suspended from a rope]
Hey,
who’s the man in the basket—up there?
STUDENT
The man himself.
STREPSIADES
Who’s that?
STUDENT
Socrates.
STREPSIADES
Socrates! Hey, call out to him
for me— [220]
make it loud.
STUDENT
You’ll have to call to him yourself.
I’m too busy now.
[The Student exits into the interior of the house]
STREPSIADES
O Socrates . . .
my dear little Socrates . . . hello
. . .
SOCRATES
Why call on me, you creature of a
day?
STREPSIADES
Well, first of all, tell me what
you’re doing. 270
SOCRATES
I tread the air, as I contemplate
the sun.
STREPSIADES
You’re looking down upon the gods
up there,
in that basket? Why not do it from
the ground,
if that’s what you’re doing?
SOCRATES
Impossible!
I’d never come up with a single
thing
about celestial phenomena,
if I did not suspend my mind up
high,
to mix my subtle thoughts with
what’s like them— [230]
the air. If I turned my mind to
lofty things,
but stayed there on the ground, I’d
never make 280
the least discovery. For the earth,
you see,
draws moist thoughts down by force
into itself—
the same process takes place with
water cress.
STREPSIADES
What are you talking about? Does
the mind
draw moisture into water cress? Come
down,
my dear little Socrates, down here
to me,
so you can teach me what I’ve come
to learn.
[Socrates’ basket slowly descends]
SOCRATES
Why have you come?
STREPSIADES
I want to learn to argue.
I’m being pillaged—ruined by
interest [240]
and by creditors I can’t pay off— 290
they’re slapping liens on all my
property.
SOCRATES
How come you got in such a pile
of debt
without your knowledge?
STREPSIADES
I’ve been ravaged
by disease—I’m horse sick. It’s
draining me
in the most dreadful way. But please
teach me
one of your two styles of arguing,
the one
which never has to discharge any
debt.
Whatever payment you want me to
make,
I promise you I’ll pay—by all the
gods.
SOCRATES
What gods do you intend to swear
by? 300
To start with, the gods hold no
currency with us.
STREPSIADES
Then, what currency do you use to
swear?
Is it iron coin, like in Byzantium?
SOCRATES
Do you want to know the truth of
things divine, [250]
the way they really are?
STREPSIADES
Yes, by god, I do,
if that’s possible.
SOCRATES
And to commune and talk
with our own deities the Clouds?
STREPSIADES
Yes, I do.
SOCRATES
Then sit down on the sacred
couch.
STREPSIADES
All right.
I’m sitting down.
SOCRATES
Take
this wreath.
STREPSIADES
Why a wreath?
Oh dear, Socrates, don’t offer me up 310
in sacrifice, like Athamas.*
SOCRATES
No, no.
We go through all this for everyone—
it’s their initiation.
STREPSIADES
What do I get?
SOCRATES
You’ll learn to be a clever
talker, [260]
to rattle off a speech, to strain
your words
like flour. Just keep still.
[Socrates sprinkles flour all over Strepsiades]
STREPSIADES
By god, that’s no lie!
I’ll turn into flour if you keep
sprinkling me.
SOCRATES
Old man, be quiet. Listen to the
prayer.
[Socrates shuts his eyes to recite his prayer]
O
Sovereign Lord, O Boundless Air,
who keeps the earth suspended here
in space, 320
O Bright Sky, O Sacred Goddesses—
the Thunder-bearing Clouds—arise,
you holy ladies, issue forth on
high,
before the man who holds you in his
mind.
STREPSIADES [lifting
his cloak to cover his head]
Not yet, not yet. Not ‘til I wrap
this cloak
like this so I don’t get soaked.
What bad luck,
to leave my home without a cap on.
SOCRATES [ignoring
Strepsiades]
Come now, you highly honoured
Clouds, come—
manifest yourselves to this man
here—
whether you now sit atop Olympus, 330 [270]
on those sacred snow-bound mountain
peaks,
or form the holy choruses with
nymphs
in gardens of their father Ocean,
or gather up the waters of the Nile
in golden flagons at the river’s mouths,
or dwell beside the marsh of Maeotis
or snowy rocks of Mimas—hear my call,
accept my sacrifice, and then
rejoice
in this holy offering I make.
CHORUS [heard
offstage]
Everlasting Clouds— 340
let us
arise, let us reveal
our moist
and natural radiance—
moving from
the roaring deep
of father
Ocean to the tops
of
tree-lined mountain peaks, [280]
where we see
from far away
the lofty
heights, the sacred earth,
whose fruits
we feed with water,
the
murmuring of sacred rivers,
the roaring
of the deep-resounding sea. 350
For the
unwearied eye of heaven
blazes forth
its glittering beams.
Shake off
this misty shapelessness
from our
immortal form and gaze upon
the earth
with our far-reaching eyes. [290]
SOCRATES
O you magnificent and holy
Clouds,
you’ve clearly heard my call.
[To Strepsiades]
Did you hear that voice
intermingled with the awesome growl
of thunder?
STREPSIADES
O you most honoured sacred
goddesses,
in answer to your thunder call I’d
like to fart— 360
it’s made me so afraid—if that’s all
right . . .
[Strepsiades pull down his pants and farts loudly
in the direction of the offstage Chorus]
Oh, oh,
whether right nor not, I need to shit.
SOCRATES
Stop being so idiotic, acting
like
a stupid damn comedian. Keep quiet.
A great host of deities is coming
here—
they’re going to sing.
CHORUS [still
offstage]
O you maidens bringing rain—
let’s move
on to that brilliant place, [300]
to gaze upon
the land of Pallas,
where such
noble men inhabit 370
Cecrops’ lovely native home,*
where
they hold those sacred rites
no one may
speak about,
where the
temple of the mysteries
is opened up
in holy festivals,*
with
gifts for deities in heaven,
what lofty
temples, holy statues,
most sacred
supplication to the gods,
with
garlands for each holy sacrifice,
and
festivals of every kind 380 [310]
in every
season of the year,
including,
when the spring arrives,
that joyful
Dionysian time,
with rousing
choruses of song,
resounding
music of the pipes.
STREPSIADES
By god, Socrates, tell me, I beg
you,
who these women are who sing so
solemnly.
Are they some special kind of
heroines?
SOCRATES
No—they’re heavenly Clouds, great
goddesses
for lazy men—from them we get our
thoughts, 390
our powers of speech, our
comprehension,
our gift for fantasy and endless
talk,
our power to strike responsive
chords in speech
and then rebut opponents’ arguments.
STREPSIADES
Ah, that must be why, as I heard
their voice,
my soul took wing, and now I’m
really keen
to babble on of trivialities,
to argue smoke and mirrors, to
deflate [320]
opinions with a small opinion of my
own,
to answer someone’s reasoned
argument 400
with my own counter-argument. So
now,
I’d love to see them here in front
of me,
if that’s possible.
SOCRATES
Just look over there—
towards Mount Parnes.
I see them coming,
slowly moving over here.*
STREPSIADES
Where? Point them out.
SOCRATES
They’re coming down here through
the valleys—
a whole crowd of them—there in the
thickets,
right beside you.
STREPSIADES
This is weird. I don’t see them.
SOCRATES [pointing
into the wings of the theatre]
There—in the entrance way.
STREPSIADES
Ah, now I see—
but I can barely make them out.
[The Clouds enter from the wings]
SOCRATES
There— 410
surely you can see them now, unless
your eyes
are swollen up like pumpkins.
STREPSIADES
I
see them.
My god, what worthy noble presences!
They’re taking over the entire
space.
SOCRATES
You weren’t aware that they are
goddesses?
You had no faith in them?
STREPSIADES
I’d no idea.
I thought clouds were mist and dew
and vapour. [330]
SOCRATES
You didn’t realize these
goddesses
support a multitude of charlatans—
prophetic seers from Thurium, quacks 420
who specialize in books on medicine,
lazy long-haired types with onyx
signet rings,
poets who produce the twisted choral
music
for dithyrambic songs, those with
airy minds—
all such men so active doing nothing
the Clouds support, since in their
poetry
these people celebrate the Clouds.
STREPSIADES
Ah ha, so that’s why they poeticize
”the whirling radiance of watery
clouds
as they advance so ominously,” 430
”waving hairs of hundred-headed Typho,”*
with “roaring tempests,” and
then “liquid breeze,”
or ”crook-taloned,
sky-floating birds of prey,”
”showers of rain from dewy
clouds”—and then,
as a reward for this, they stuff
themselves
on slices carved from some huge tasty
fish
or from a thrush.*
SOCRATES
Yes, thanks to these Clouds. [340]
Is that not truly just?
STREPSIADES
All right, tell me this—
if they’re really clouds, what’s
happened to them?
They look just like mortal human
women. 440
The clouds up there are not the
least like that.
SOCRATES
What are they like?
STREPSIADES
I don’t know exactly.
They look like wool once it’s been
pulled apart—
not like women, by god, not in the
least.
These ones here have noses.
SOCRATES
Let me ask you something.
Will you answer me?
STREPSIADES
Ask me what you want.
Fire away.
SOCRATES
Have you ever gazed up
there
and seen a cloud shaped like a
centaur,
or a leopard, wolf, or bull?
STREPSIADES
Yes, I have.
So what?
SOCRATES
They become anything they want. 450
So if they see some hairy savage
type,
one of those really wild and wooly men,
like Xenophantes’
son, they mock his moods,
transforming their appearance into
centaurs.*
[350]
STREPSIADES
What if they glimpse a thief of
public funds,
like Simon? What do they do then?*
SOCRATES
They expose
just what he’s truly like—they
change at once,
transform themselves to wolves.
STREPSIADES
Ah ha, I see.
So that’s why yesterday they changed
to deer.
They must have caught sight of Cleonymos— 460
the man who threw away his battle
shield—
they knew he was fearful coward.*
SOCRATES
And now it’s clear they’ve seen
Cleisthenes—
that’s why, as you can see, they’ve
changed to women.*
STREPSIADES [to
the Chorus of Clouds]
All hail to you, lady goddesses.
And now, if you have ever spoken out
to other men, let me hear your
voice,
you queenly powers.
CHORUS LEADER
Greetings to you, old man born
long ago,
hunter in love with arts of
argument— 470
you, too, high priest of subtlest
nonsense,
tell us what you want. Of all the
experts [360]
in celestial matters at the present
time,
we take note of no one else but you—
and Prodicus*—because he’s sharp and wise,
while you go swaggering along the
street,
in bare feet, shifting both eyes
back and forth.
You keep moving on through many
troubles,
looking proud of your relationship
with us.
STREPSIADES
By the Earth, what voices these
Clouds have— 480
so holy, reverent, and marvelous!
SOCRATES
Well, they’re the only deities we
have—
the rest are just so much hocus pocus.
STREPSIADES
Hang on—by the Earth, isn’t Zeus
a god,
the one up there on Mount Olympus?
SOCRATES
What sort of god is Zeus? Why
spout such rubbish?
There’s no such being as Zeus.
STREPSIADES
What do you mean?
Then who brings on the rain? First
answer that.
SOCRATES
Why, these women do. I’ll prove
that to you
with persuasive evidence. Just tell
me— 490 [370]
where have you ever seen the rain
come down
without the Clouds being there? If
Zeus brings rain,
then he should do so when the sky is
clear,
when there are no Clouds in view.
STREPSIADES
By Apollo, you’ve made a good
point there—
it helps your argument. I used to
think
rain was really Zeus pissing through
a sieve.
Tell me who causes thunder? That
scares me.
SOCRATES
These Clouds do, as they roll
around.
STREPSIADES
But how?
Explain that, you who dares to know
it all. 500
SOCRATES
When they are filled with water
to the brim
and then, suspended there with all
that rain,
are forced to move, they bump into
each other.
They’re so big, they burst with a
great boom.
STREPSIADES
But what’s forcing them to move
at all?
Doesn’t Zeus do that?
SOCRATES
No—that’s the aerial Vortex.*
STREPSIADES
Vortex? Well, that’s something I
didn’t know. [380]
So Zeus is now no more, and Vortex
rules
instead of him. But you still have
not explained
a thing about those claps of
thunder. 510
SOCRATES
Weren’t you listening to me? I
tell you,
when the Clouds are full of water
and collide,
they’re so thickly packed they make
a noise.
STREPSIADES
Come on now—who’d ever believe
that stuff?
SOCRATES
I’ll explain, using you as a test
case.
Have you ever gorged yourself on
stew
at the Panathenaea
and later
had an upset stomach—then suddenly
some violent movement made it
rumble?*
STREPSIADES
Yes, by Apollo! It does weird
things— 520
I feel unsettled. That small bit of
stew
rumbles around and makes strange
noises,
just like thunder. At first it’s
quite quiet— [390]
”pappax pappax”—then it starts getting louder—
”papapappax”—and
when I take a shit,
it really thunders “papapappax”—
just like these Clouds.
SOCRATES
So think about it—
if your small gut can make a fart
like that,
why can’t the air, which goes on for ever,
produce tremendous thunder. Then
there’s this— 530
consider how alike these phrases
sound,
”thunder clap” and “fart and crap.”
STREPSIADES
All right, but then explain this
to me—
Where does lightning come from, that
fiery blaze,
which, when it hits, sometimes burns
us up,
sometimes just singes us and lets us
live?
Clearly Zeus is hurling that at
perjurers.
SOCRATES
You stupid driveling idiot, you
stink
of olden times, the age of Cronos!* If
Zeus
is really striking at the perjurers, 540
how come he’s not burned Simon down
to ash,
or else Cleonymos
or Theorus?
They perjure themselves more than
anyone. [400]
No. Instead he strikes at his own
temple
at Sunium,
our Athenian headland,
and at his massive oak trees there.
Why?
What’s his plan? Oak trees can’t be
perjured.
STREPSIADES
I don’t know. But that argument
of yours
seems good. All right, then, what’s
a lightning bolt?
SOCRATES
When a dry wind blows up into the
Clouds 550
and gets caught in there, it makes
them inflate,
like the inside of a bladder. And
then
it has to burst them all apart and
vent,
rushing out with violence brought on
by dense compression—its force and
friction
cause it to consume itself in fire.
STREPSIADES
By god, I went through that very
thing myself—
at the feast for Zeus. I was cooking
food,
a pig’s belly, for my family. I
forgot
to slit it open. It began to swell— 560 [410]
then suddenly blew up, splattering
blood
in both my eyes and burning my whole
face.
CHORUS LEADER
O you who seeks from us great
wisdom,
how happy you will be among
Athenians,
among the Greeks, if you have
memory,
if you can think, if in that soul of
yours
you’ve got the power to persevere,
and don't get tired standing still
or walking,
nor suffer too much from the
freezing cold,
with no desire for breakfast, if you
abstain 570
from wine, from exercise, and other
foolishness,
if you believe, as all clever people
should,
the highest good is victory in
action,
in deliberation and in verbal wars.
STREPSIADES
Well, as for a stubborn soul and
a mind [420]
thinking in a restless bed, while my
stomach,
lean and mean, feeds on bitter
herbs, don’t worry.
I’m confident about all that—I’m
ready
to be hammered on your anvil into
shape.
SOCRATES
So now you won’t acknowledge any
gods 580
except the ones we do—Chaos, the
Clouds,
the Tongue—just these three?
STREPSIADES
Absolutely—
I’d refuse to talk to any other
gods,
if I ran into them—and I decline
to sacrifice or pour libations to them.
I’ll not provide them any incense.
CHORUS LEADER
Tell us then what we can do for
you.
Be brave—for if you treat us with
respect,
if you admire us, and if you’re keen
to be a clever man, you won’t go
wrong. 590
STREPSIADES
O you sovereign queens,
from you I ask one really tiny
favour—
to be the finest speaker in all
Greece, [430]
within a hundred miles.
CHORUS LEADER
You’ll get that from us.
From now on, in time to come, no one
will win
more votes among the populace than
you.
STREPSIADES
No speaking on important votes
for me!
That’s not what I’m after. No, no. I
want
to twist all legal verdicts in my
favour,
to evade my creditors.
CHORUS LEADER
You’ll get that, 600
just what you desire. For what you
want
is nothing special. So be confident—
give yourself over to our agents
here.
STREPSIADES
I’ll do that—I’ll place my trust
in you.
Necessity is weighing me down—the
horses,
those thoroughbreds, my marriage—all
that
has worn me out. So now, this body
of mine [440]
I’ll give to them, with no strings
attached,
to do with as they like—to suffer
blows,
go without food and drink, live like
a pig, 610
to freeze or have my skin flayed for
a pouch—
if I can just get out of all my debt
and make men think of me as bold and
glib,
as fearless, impudent, detestable,
one who cobbles lies together, makes
up words,
a practised legal rogue, a statute
book,
a chattering fox, sly and needle
sharp,
a slippery fraud, a sticky rascal,
foul whipping boy or twisted
villain, [450]
troublemaker, or idly prattling
fool. 620
If they can make those who run into
me
call me these names, they can do
what they want—
no questions asked. If, by Demeter,
they’re keen,
they can convert me into sausages
and serve me up to men who think
deep thoughts.
CHORUS
Here’s a man whose mind’s now
smart,
no holding back—prepared to
start
When you have learned all this
from me [460]
you know your glory will
arise
among all men to heaven’s
skies. 630
STREPSIADES
What must I undergo?
CHORUS
For all time, you’ll live with me
a life most people truly envy.
STREPSIADES
You mean I’ll really see that one
day?
CHORUS
Hordes will sit outside your door
wanting your advice and more— [470]
to talk, to place their trust
in you
for their affairs and lawsuits,
too,
things which merit your great
mind.
They’ll leave you lots of cash
behind. 640
CHORUS LEADER [to
Socrates]
So get started with this old man’s lessons,
what you intend to teach him first
of all—
rouse his mind, test his
intellectual powers.
SOCRATES
Come on then, tell me the sort of
man you are—
once I know that, I can bring to
bear on you
my latest batteries with full
effect. [480]
STREPSIADES
What’s that? By god, are you
assaulting me?
SOCRATES
No—I want to learn some things from
you.
What about your memory?
STREPSIADES
To tell the truth
it works two ways. If someone owes
me something, 650
I remember really well. But if it’s
poor me
that owes the money, I forget a lot.
SOCRATES
Do you have any natural gift for
speech?
STREPSIADES
Not for speaking—only for evading
debt.
SOCRATES
So how will you be capable of
learning?
STREPSIADES
Easily—that shouldn’t be your worry.
SOCRATES
All right. When I throw out
something wise
about celestial matters, you make
sure
you snatch it right away. [490]
STREPSIADES
What’s that about?
Am I to eat up wisdom like a dog? 660
SOCRATES [aside]
This man’s an ignorant barbarian!
Old man, I fear you may need a
beating.
[to Strepsiades]
Now, what do you do if someone hits you?
STREPSIADES
If I get hit, I wait around a while,
then find witnesses, hang around
some more,
then go to court.
SOCRATES
All right, take off your cloak.
STREPSIADES
Have I done something wrong?
SOCRATES
No. It’s our custom
to go inside without a cloak.
STREPSIADES
But I don’t want
to search your house for stolen
stuff.*
SOCRATES
What are you going on about? Take it
off. 670
STREPSIADES [removing
his cloak and his shoes]
So tell me this—if I pay attention [500]
and put some effort into learning,
which of your students will I look
like?
SOCRATES
In appearance there’ll be no
difference
between yourself and Chaerephon.
STREPSIADES
Oh, that’s bad.
You mean I’ll be only half alive?
SOCRATES
Don’t talk such rubbish! Get a move
on
and follow me inside. Hurry up!
STREPSIADES
First, put a honey cake here in my
hands. 680
I’m scared of going down in there.
It’s like
going in Trophonios’
cave.*
SOCRATES
Go inside.
Why keep hanging round this doorway?
[Socrates picks up Strepsiades’ cloak and shoes.
Then Strepsiades and Socrates exit into the interior of the Thinkery]
CHORUS LEADER
Go. And may you enjoy good fortune, [510]
a fit reward for all your bravery.
CHORUS
We hope this man
thrives in his plan.
For at his stage
of great old age 690
he’ll take a dip
in new affairs
to act the sage.
CHORUS LEADER [stepping
forward to address the audience directly]
You spectators, I’ll talk frankly to
you now,
and speak the truth, in the name of
Dionysus,
who has cared for me ever since I
was a child.
So may I win and be considered a
wise man.* [520]
For I thought you were a discerning
audience
and this comedy the most intelligent
of all my plays. Thus, I believed it
worth my while 700
to produce it first for you, a work
which cost me
a great deal of effort. But I left
defeated,
beaten out by vulgar men—which I did
not deserve.
I place the blame for this on you
intellectuals,
on whose behalf I went to all that
trouble.
But still I won’t ever willingly
abandon
the discriminating ones among you
all,
not since that time when my play
about two men—
one was virtuous, the other one
depraved—
was really well received by certain
people here, 710
whom it pleases me to mention now.
As for me,
I was still unmarried, not yet fully
qualified [530]
to produce that child. But I exposed
my offspring,
and another woman carried it away.
In your generosity you raised and
trained it.*
Since then I’ve had sworn
testimony from you
that you have faith in me. So now,
like old Electra,
this comedy has come, hoping she can
find,
somewhere in here, spectators as
intelligent.
If she sees her brother’s hair,
she’ll recognize it.*
720
Consider how my play shows natural
restraint.
First, she doesn't have stitched
leather dangling down,
with a thick red knob, to make the
children giggle.*
She hasn’t mocked bald men or
danced some drunken reel. [540]
There’s no old man who talks and
beats those present
with a stick to hide bad jokes. She
doesn’t rush on stage
with torches or raise the cry
“Alas!” or “Woe is me!”
No—she’s come trusting in herself
and in the script.
And I’m a poet like that. I don’t
preen myself.
I don’t seek to cheat you by
re-presenting here 730
the same material two or three times
over.
Instead I base my art on framing new
ideas,
all different from the rest, and
each one very deft.
When Cleon was all-powerful, I went
for him.
I hit him in the gut. But once he
was destroyed,
I didn’t have the heart to kick at
him again. [550]
Yet once Hyperbolos
let others seize on him,
they’ve not ceased stomping on the
miserable man—
and on his mother, too.* The
first was Eupolis—
he dredged up his Maricas, a
wretched rehash 740
of my play The
Knights—he’s such a worthless poet—
adding an aging female drunk in that
stupid dance,
a woman Phrynichos
invented years ago,
the one that ocean monster tried to
gobble up.*
Then Hermippos
wrote again about Hyperbolos,
Now all the rest are savaging the
man once more,
copying my images of eels. If anyone
laughs at those plays, I hope mine
don’t amuse him. [560]
But if you enjoy me and my
inventiveness,
then future ages will commend your
worthy taste. 750
CHORUS
For my dance I first here call
on Zeus, high-ruling king of all
among the gods—and on Poseidon,
so great and powerful—the one
who with his trident wildly heaves
the earth and all the brine-filled seas,
and on our famous father Sky,
the most revered, who can supply [570]
all things with life. And I invite
the Charioteer whose dazzling light 760
fills this wide world so mightily
for every man and deity.
CHORUS LEADER
The wisest in this audience should
here take note—
you’ve done us wrong, and we
confront you with the blame.
We confer more benefits than any
other god
upon your city, yet we’re the only
ones
to whom you do not sacrifice or pour
libations,
though we’re the gods who keep
protecting you.
If there’s some senseless army
expedition, [580]
then we respond by thundering or
bringing rain. 770
And when you were selecting as your
general
that Paphlagonian
tanner hated by the gods,*
we frowned and then complained
aloud—our thunder pealed
among the lightning bursts, the moon
moved off her course,
the sun at once pulled his wick back
inside himself,
and said if Cleon was to be your
general
then he’d give you no light.
Nonetheless, you chose him.
They say this city likes to make
disastrous choices,
but that the gods, no matter what
mistakes you make,
convert them into something better.
If you want 780
your recent choice to turn into a
benefit,
I can tell you how—it’s easy.
Condemn the man— [590]
that seagull Cleon—for bribery and
theft.*
Set him in the stocks, a wooden
yoke around his neck.
Then, even if you’ve made a really
big mistake,
for you things will be as they were
before your vote,
and for the city this affair will
turn out well.
CHORUS
Phoebus Apollo, stay close by,
lord of Delos, who sits on high,
by lofty Cynthos mountain sides; 790
and holy lady, who resides
in Ephesus, in your gold shrine,
where Lydian girls pray all the time;
[600]
Athena, too, who guards our home,
her aegis raised above her own,
and he who holds Parnassus peaks
and shakes his torches as he leaps,
lord Dionysus, whose shouts call
amid the Delphic bacchanal.*
CHORUS LEADER
When we were getting ready to move
over here, 800
Moon met us and told us, first of
all, to greet,
on her behalf, the Athenians and
their allies.
Then she said she was upset—the way
you treat her [610]
is disgraceful, though she brings
you all benefits—
not just in words but in her deeds.
To start with,
she saves you at least one drachma
every
month
for torchlight— in
the evening, when you go outside,
you all can say, “No need to buy a
torch, my boy,
Moon’s light will do just fine.” She
claims she helps you all
in other ways, as well, but you
don’t calculate 810
your calendar the way you should—no,
instead
you make it all confused, and that’s
why, she says,
the gods are always making threats
against her,
when they are cheated of a meal and
go back home
because their celebration has not
taken place
according to a proper count of all
the days.*
And then, when you should be
making sacrifice, [620]
you’re torturing someone or have a
man on trial.
And many times, when we gods
undertake a fast,
because we’re mourning Memnon or Sarpedon,*
820
you’re pouring out libations, having
a good laugh.
That’s the reason, after his choice
by lot this year
to sit on the religious council, Hyperbolos
had his wreath of office snatched
off by the gods.
That should make him better
understand the need
to count the days of life according
to the moon.*
[Enter Socrates from the interior of the Thinkery]
SOCRATES
By Respiration, Chaos, and the Air,
I’ve never seen a man so crude,
stupid,
clumsy, and forgetful. He tries to
learn
the tiny trifles, but then he forgets 830 [630]
before he’s even learned them.
Nonetheless,
I’ll call him outside here into the
light.
[Socrates calls back into the interior of the Thinkery]
Strepsiades, where are you? Come on out—
and bring your bed.
STREPSIADES [from
inside]
I can’t carry it out—
the bugs won’t let me.
SOCRATES
Get a move on. Now!
[Strepsiades enters carrying his bedding]
SOCRATES
Put it there. And pay attention.
STREPSIADES [putting
the bed down]
There!
SOCRATES
Come now, of all the things you
never learned
what to you want to study first?
Tell me.
[Strepsiades is very puzzled by the question]
SOCRATES
Poetic measures? Diction? Rhythmic
verse?
STREPSIADES
I’ll take measures. Just the other
day 840
the man who deals in barley cheated
me— [640]
about two quarts.
SOCRATES
That’s not what I mean.
Which music measure is most
beautiful—
the triple measure or quadruple
measure?
STREPSIADES
As a measure nothing beats a gallon.
SOCRATES
My dear man, you’re just talking
nonsense.
STREPSIADES
Then make me a bet—I say a gallon
is made up of quadruple measures.
SOCRATES
O damn you—you’re such a country
bumpkin—
so slow! Maybe you can learn more
quickly 850
if we deal with rhythm.
STREPSIADES
Will these rhythms
help to get me food?
SOCRATES
Well, to begin with,
they’ll make you elegant in company—
and you’ll recognize the different
rhythms, [650]
the enoplian
and the dactylic,
which is like a digit.*
STREPSIADES
Like a digit!
By god, that’s something I do know!
SOCRATES
Then tell me.
STREPSIADES
When I was a lad a digit meant this!
[Strepsiades sticks his middle finger straight up
under Socrates’ nose]
SOCRATES
You’re just a crude buffoon!
STREPSIADES
No, you’re a fool—
I don’t want to learn any of that
stuff. 860
SOCRATES
Well then, what?
STREPSIADES
You know, that other thing—
how to argue the most unjust cause.
SOCRATES
But you need to learn these other
matters
before all that. Now, of the
quadrupeds
which one can we correctly label
male?
STREPSIADES
Well, I know the males, if I’m not
witless— [660]
the ram, billy
goat, bull, dog, and fowl.
SOCRATES
And the females?
STREPSIADES
The ewe, nanny goat,
cow, bitch and fowl.*
SOCRATES
You see what you’re doing?
You’re using that word “fowl” for
both of them, 870
Calling males what people use for
females.
STREPSIADES
What’s that? I don’t get it.
SOCRATES
What’s not to get?
”Fowl” and “Fowl” . . .
STREPSIADES
By Poseidon, I see your point.
All right, what should I call them?
SOCRATES
Call the male a “fowl”—
and call the other one “fowlette.”
STREPSIADES
“Fowlette?”
By the Air, that’s good! Just for
teaching that
I’ll fill your kneading basin up
with flour,
right to the brim.*
SOCRATES
Once again, another error! [670]
You called it basin—a masculine
word—
when it’s feminine.
STREPSIADES
How so? Do I call 880
the basin masculine?
SOCRATES
Indeed you do.
It’s just like Cleonymos.*
STREPSIADES
How’s that?
Tell me.
SOCRATES
You treated the word basin
just as you would treat Cleonymos.
STREPSIADES [totally
bewildered by the conversation]
But my dear man, he didn’t have a
basin—
not Cleonymos—not
for kneading flour.
His round mortar was his prick—the wanker—
he kneaded
that to masturbate.*
But what should I call a basin from
now on?
SOCRATES
Call it a basinette,
just as you’d say 890
the word Sostratette.
STREPSIADES
Basinette—it’s feminine?
SOCRATES
It is indeed.
STREPSIADES
All right, then, I should say
Cleonymette
and basinette.* [680]
SOCRATES
You’ve still got to learn about
people’s names—
which ones are male and which are
female.
STREPSIADES
I know which ones are feminine.
SOCRATES
Go on.
STREPSIADES
Lysilla, Philinna, Cleitagora,
Demetria .
. .
SOCRATES
Which names are masculine?
STREPSIADES
There are thousands of them—Philoxenos,
Melesias, Amynias . . .
SOCRATES
You fool, 900
those names are not all masculine.*
STREPSIADES
What?
You don’t think of them as men?
SOCRATES
Indeed I don’t.
If you met Amynias,
how would you greet him?
STREPSIADES
How? Like this, “Here, Amynia, come here.”* [690]
SOCRATES
You see? You said "Amynia," a woman’s name.
STREPSIADES
And that’s fair enough, since she’s
unwilling
to do army service. But what’s the
point?
Why do I need to learn what we all
know?
SOCRATES
That’s irrelevant, by god. Now lie
down—
[indicating the bed]
right
here.
STREPSIADES
And do what?
SOCRATES
You should contemplate— 910
think one of your own problems
through.
STREPSIADES
Not here,
I beg you—no. If I have to do it,
let me do my contemplating on the
ground.
SOCRATES
No—you’ve got no choice.
STREPSIADES [crawling
very reluctantly into the bedding]
Now I’m done for—
these bugs are going to punish me
today.
[Socrates exits back into the Thinkery]
CHORUS
Now ponder and think, [700]
focus this way and that.
Your mind turn and toss.
And if you’re at a loss,
then quickly go find 920
a new thought in your mind.
From your eyes you must keep
all soul-soothing sleep.
STREPSIADES
O god . . . ahhhhh . . .
CHORUS
What’s wrong with you? Why so
distressed?
STREPSIADES
I’m dying a miserable death in here!
These Corinthian crawlers keep
biting me.* [710]
gnawing on my ribs,
slurping up my blood,
yanking off my balls, 930
tunneling up my arse hole—
they’re killing me!
CHORUS
Don’t complain so much.
STREPSIADES
Why not? When I’ve lost my goods,
lost the colour in my cheeks, lost
my blood,
lost my shoes, and, on top of all
these troubles, [720]
I’m here like some night watchman
singing out—
it won’t be long before I’m done
for.
{Enter Socrates from inside the Thinkery]
SOCRATES
What are you doing? Aren’t you
thinking something?
STREPSIADES
Me? Yes I am, by Poseidon.
SOCRATES
What about? 940
STREPSIADES
Whether there’s going to be any of me
left
once these bugs have finished.
SOCRATES
You imbecile,
why don’t you drop dead!
[Socrates exits back into the Thinkery]
STREPSIADES
But my dear man,
I’m dying right now.
CHORUS LEADER
Don’t get soft. Cover up—
get your whole body underneath the
blanket.
You need to find a good idea for
fraud,
a sexy way to cheat.
STREPSIADES
Damn it all—
instead of these lambskins here, why
won’t someone
throw over me a lovely larcenous
scheme? [730]
[Strepsiades covers his head with the wool
blankets. Enter Socrates from the Thinkery and looks
around thinking what to do]
SOCRATES
First, I’d better check on what he’s
doing. 950
You in there, are you asleep?
STREPSIADES [uncovering
his head]
No,
I’m not.
SOCRATES
Have you grasped anything?
STREPSIADES
No, by god, I haven’t.
SOCRATES
Nothing at all?
STREPSIADES
I haven’t grasped a thing—
except my right hand’s wrapped
around my cock.
SOCRATES
Then cover your head and think up
something—
get a move on!
STREPSIADES
What should I think
about?
Tell me that, Socrates.
SOCRATES
First you must formulate
what it is you want. Then tell me.
STREPSIADES
You’ve heard
what I want a thousand times—I want
to know
about interest, so I’ll not have to
pay 960
a single creditor.
SOCRATES
Come along now,
cover up.
[Strepsiades covers his head again, and Socrates
speaks to him through the blanket]
Now, carve your slender thinking [740]
into tiny bits, and think the matter
through,
with proper probing and analysis.
STREPSIADES
Ahhh . . .
bloody hell!
SOCRATES
Don’t shift around.
If one of your ideas is going
nowhere,
let it go, leave it alone. Later on,
start it again and weigh it one more
time.
STREPSIADES
My dear little Socrates . . .
SOCRATES
Yes, old man,
what is it?
STREPSIADES
I’ve got a lovely
scheme 970
to avoid paying interest.
SOCRATES
Lay it out.
STREPSIADES
All right. Tell me now . . .
SOCRATES
What is it?
STREPSIADES
What if I purchased a Thessalian witch
and in the night had her haul down
the moon— [750]
then shut it up in a circular box,
just like a mirror, and kept watch
on it.
SOCRATES
How would that provide you any help?
STREPSIADES
Well, if no moon ever rose up
anywhere,
I’d pay no interest.
SOCRATES
And why is that?
STREPSIADES
Because they lend out money by the
month. 980
SOCRATES
That’s good. I’ll give you another
problem—
it’s tricky. If in court someone
sued you
to pay five talents, what would you
do
to get the case discharged.
STREPSIADES
How? I don’t know.
I’ll have to think. [760]
SOCRATES
These ideas of yours—
don’t keep them wound up all the
time inside you.
Let your thinking loose—out into the
air—
with thread around its foot, just
like a bug.*
STREPSIADES
Hey, I’ve devised a really clever
way
to make that lawsuit disappear—it’s
so good, 990
you’ll agree with me.
SOCRATES
What’s your way?
STREPSIADES
At the drug seller’s shop have you
seen
that beautiful stone you can see
right through,
the one they use to start a fire?
SOCRATES
You mean glass?
STREPSIADES
Yes.
SOCRATES
So what?
STREPSIADES
What if I took that glass,
and when the scribe was writing out
the charge, [770]
I stood between him and the sun—like
this—
some distance off, and made his
writing melt,
just the part about my case?*
SOCRATES
By the Graces,
that’s a smart idea!
STREPSIADES
Hey, I’m happy— 1000
I’ve erased my law suit for five
talents.
SOCRATES
So hurry up and tackle this next
problem.
STREPSIADES
What is it?
SOCRATES
How would you evade a charge
and launch a counter-suit in a
hearing
you’re about to lose without a
witness?
STREPSIADES
No problem there—it’s easy.
SOCRATES:
So tell me.
STREPSIADES: I will. If there was a case still pending,
another one before my case was
called,
I’d run off and hang myself. [780]
SOCRATES
That’s nonsense.
STREPSIADES
No, by the gods, it’s not. If I were
dead, 1010
no one could bring a suit against
me.
SOCRATES
That’s rubbish. Just get away from
here.
I’ll not instruct you any more.
STREPSIADES
Why not?
Come on, Socrates, in god’s name.
SOCRATES
There’s no point—
as soon as you learn anything, it’s
gone,
you forget it right away. Look, just
now,
what was the very first thing you
were taught?
STREPSIADES
Well, let’s see . . . The first
thing—what was it?
What was that thing we knead the flour in?
Damn it all, what was it?
SOCRATES
To hell with you! 1020
You’re the most forgetful, stupidest
old man . . . [790]
Get lost!
STREPSIADES
Oh dear! Now I’m in for it.
What going to happen to me? I’m done
for,
if I don’t learn to twist my words
around.
Come on, Clouds, give me some good
advice.
CHORUS LEADER
Old man, here’s our advice: if
you’ve a son
and he’s full grown, send him in
there to learn—
he’ll take your place.
STREPSIADES
Well, I do have a son—
a really good and fine one,
too—trouble is
he doesn’t want to learn. What
should I do? 1030
CHORUS LEADER
You just let him do that?
STREPSIADES
He’s a big lad—
and strong and proud—his mother’s
family
are all high-flying women like Coesyra. [800]
But I’ll take him in hand. If he
says no,
then I’ll evict him from my house
for sure.
[to Socrates]
Go
inside and wait for me a while.
[Strepsiades moves back across the stage to his own
house]
CHORUS [to
Socrates]
Don’t you see you’ll quickly get
from us all sorts of lovely things
since we’re your only god?
This man here is now all set 1040
to follow you in anything,
you simply have to prod.
You know
the man is in a daze.
He’s clearly keen his son should
learn.
So lap it up—make haste—
get everything that you can raise. [810]
Such chances tend to change and turn
into a different case.
[Socrates exits into the Thinkery.
Strepsiades and Pheidippides come out of their house.
Strepsiades is pushing his son in front of him]
STREPSIADES
By the foggy air, you can’t stay
here—
not one moment longer! Off with you— 1050
go eat Megacles
out of house and home!
PHEIDIPPIDES
Hey, father—you poor man, what’s
wrong with you?
By Olympian Zeus, you’re not
thinking straight.
STREPSIADES
See that—“Olympian Zeus”!
Ridiculous—
to believe in Zeus—and at your age!
PHEIDIPPIDES
Why laugh at that?
STREPSIADES
To think you’re such a child—
and your views so out of date.
Still, come here,
so you can learn a bit. I’ll tell
you things.
When you understand all this, you’ll
be a man.
But you mustn’t mention this to
anyone. 1060
PHEIDIPPIDES
All right, what is it?
STREPSIADES
You just swore by Zeus.
PHEIDIPPIDES
That’s right. I did.
STREPSIADES
You see how useful learning is?
Pheidippides,
there’s no such thing as Zeus.
PHEIDIPPIDES
Then what is there?
STREPSIADES
Vortex now is king—
he’s pushed out Zeus.
PHEIDIPPIDES
Bah, that’s nonsense!
STREPSIADES
You should know that’s how things
are right now.
PHEIDIPPIDES
Who says that?
STREPSIADES
Socrates of Melos* [830]
and Chaerephon—they
know about fleas’ footprints.
PHEIDIPPIDES
Have you become so crazy you believe
these fellows? They’re disgusting!
STREPSIADES
Watch your tongue. 1070
Don’t say nasty things about such
clever men—
men with brains, who like to save
their money.
That’s why not one of them has ever
shaved,
or oiled his skin, or visited the
baths
to wash himself. You, on the other
hand,
keep on bathing in my livelihood,
as if I’d died.* So
now get over there,
as quickly as you can. Take my place
and learn.
PHEIDIPPIDES
But what could anyone learn from
those men
that’s any use at all? [840]
STREPSIADES
You have to ask? 1080
Why, wise things—the full extent of
human thought.
You’ll see how thick you are, how
stupid.
Just wait a moment here for me.
[Strepsiades goes into his house]
PHEIDIPPIDES
O dear,
What will I do? My father’s lost his
wits.
Do I haul him off to get committed,
on the ground that he’s a lunatic,
or tell the coffin-makers he’s gone
nuts.
[Strepsiades returns with two birds, one in each
hand. He holds out one of them]
STREPSIADES
Come on now, what do you call this?
Tell me.
PHEIDIPPIDES
It’s a fowl.
STREPSIADES
That’s good. What’s this?
PHEIDIPPIDES
That’s a fowl.
STREPSIADES
They’re both the same? You’re being
ridiculous. 1090
From now on, don’t do that. Call
this one “fowl,” [850]
and this one here “fowlette.”
PHEIDIPPIDES
“Fowlette”? That’s it?
That’s the sort of clever stuff you
learned in there,
by going in with these Sons of
Earth?*
STREPSIADES
Yes, it is—
and lots more, too. But everything I
learned,
I right away forgot, because I’m
old.
PHEIDIPPIDES
That why you lost your cloak?
STREPSIADES
I didn’t lose it—
I gave it to knowledge—a donation.
PHEIDIPPIDES
And your sandals—what you do with
them,
you deluded man?
STREPSIADES
Just like Pericles, 1100
I lost them as a “necessary
expense.”*
But come on, let’s go. Move it.
If your dad [860]
asks you to do wrong, you must obey
him.
I know I did just what you wanted
long ago,
when you were six years old and had
a lisp—
with the first obol
I got for jury work,
at the feast of Zeus I got you a toy
cart.
PHEIDIPPIDES
You’re going to regret this one fine
day.
STREPSIADES
Good—you’re doing what I ask.
[Strepsiades calls inside the Thinkery]
Socrates,
come out here . . .
[Enter Socrates from inside the Thinkery]
Here—I’ve brought my son to you. 1110
He wasn’t keen, but I persuaded him.
SOCRATES
He’s still a child—he doesn’t know
the ropes.
PHEIDIPPIDES
Go hang yourself up on some rope, [870]
and get beaten like a worn-out
cloak.
STREPSIADES
Damn you! Why insult your teacher?
SOCRATES
Look how he says “hang yourself”—it
sounds
like baby talk. No crispness in his
speech.*
With such a feeble tone how will
he learn
to answer to a charge or summons
or speak persuasively? And yet it’s
true 1120
Hyperbolos
could learn to master that—
it cost him one talent.*
STREPSIADES
Don’t be concerned.
Teach him. He’s naturally
intelligent.
When he was a little boy—just that
tall—
even then at home he built small
houses,
carved out ships, made chariots from
leather, [880]
and fashioned frogs from pomegranate
peel.
You can’t imagine! Get him to learn
those two forms of argument—the
Better,
whatever that may be, and the Worse. 1130
If not both, then at least the
unjust one—
every trick you’ve got.
SOCRATES
He’ll learn on his own
from the two styles of reasoning.
I’ll be gone.
STREPSIADES
But remember this—he must be able
to speak against all just arguments.
[Enter the Better Argument from inside the Thinkery, talking to the Worse Argument who is still
inside]
BETTER ARGUMENT
Come on. Show yourself to the people
here—
I guess you’re bold enough for that. [890]
[The Worse Argument emerges from the Thinkery]
WORSE ARGUMENT
Go where you please.
The odds are greater I can wipe you
out
with lots of people there to watch
us argue.
BETTER ARGUMENT
You’ll wipe me out? Who’d you think
you are? 1140
WORSE ARGUMENT
An argument.
BETTER ARGUMENT
Yes, but second rate.
WORSE ARGUMENT
You claim that you’re more powerful
than me,
but I’ll still conquer you.
BETTER ARGUMENT
What clever tricks
do you intend to use?
WORSE ARGUMENT
I’ll formulate
new principles.
BETTER ARGUMENT [indicating
the audience]
Yes, that’s in fashion now,
thanks to these idiots.
WORSE ARGUMENT
No, no. They’re smart.
BETTER ARGUMENT
I’ll destroy you utterly.
WORSE ARGUMENT
And how?
Tell me that.
BETTER ARGUMENT
By arguing what’s just. [900]
WORSE ARGUMENT
That I can overturn in my response,
by arguing there’s no such thing as
Justice. 1150
BETTER ARGUMENT
It doesn’t exist? That’s what you
maintain?
WORSE ARGUMENT
Well, if it does, where is it?
BETTER ARGUMENT
With the gods.
WORSE ARGUMENT
Well, if Justice does exist, how
come Zeus
hasn’t been destroyed for chaining
up his dad.*
BETTER ARGUMENT
This is going from bad to worse. I
feel sick.
Fetch me a basin.
WORSE ARGUMENT
You silly old man—
you’re so ridiculous.
BETTER ARGUMENT
And you’re quite shameless,
you bum fucker.
WORSE ARGUMENT
Those words you speak—like
roses!
BETTER ARGUMENT
Buffoon! [910]
WORSE ARGUMENT
You adorn my head with lilies.
BETTER ARGUMENT
You destroyed your father!
WORSE ARGUMENT
You don’t mean to, 1160
but you’re showering me with gold.
BETTER ARGUMENT
No, not gold—
before this age, those names were
lead.
WORSE ARGUMENT
But now,
your insults are a credit to me.
BETTER ARGUMENT
You’re too obstreperous.
WORSE ARGUMENT
You’re archaic.
BETTER ARGUMENT
It’s thanks to you that none of our
young men
is keen to go to school. The day
will come
when the Athenians will all realize
how you teach these silly fools.
WORSE ARGUMENT
You’re dirty—
it’s disgusting.
BETTER ARGUMENT
But you’re doing very
well— [920]
although in earlier days you were a
beggar, 1170
claiming to be Telephos
from Mysia,
eating off some views of Pandeletos,
which you kept in your wallet.*
WORSE ARGUMENT
That was brilliant—
you just reminded me . . .
BETTER ARGUMENT
It was lunacy!
Your own craziness—the city’s, too.
It fosters you while you corrupt the
young.
WORSE ARGUMENT
You can’t teach this boy—you’re old
as Cronos.
BETTER ARGUMENT
Yes, I must—if he’s going to be
redeemed [930]
and not just prattle empty verbiage.
WORSE ARGUMENT [to
Pheidippides]
Come over here—leave him to his
foolishness. 1180
BETTER ARGUMENT
You’ll regret it, if you lay a hand
on him.
CHORUS LEADER
Stop this fighting, all these
abusive words.
[addressing first the Better Argument and then the
Worse Argument]
Instead,
explain the things you used to teach
to young men long ago—then you lay
out
what’s new in training now. He can listen
as you present opposing arguments
and then decide which school he
should attend.
BETTER ARGUMENT
I’m willing to do that.
WORSE ARGUMENT
All right with me.
CHORUS LEADER
Come on then, which one of you goes
first? [940]
WORSE ARGUMENT
I’ll grant him that right. Once he’s
said his piece, 1190
I’ll shoot it down with brand-new
expressions
and some fresh ideas. By the time
I’m done,
if he so much as mutters, he’ll get
stung
by my opinions on
his face and eyes—
like so many hornets—he’ll be
destroyed.
CHORUS
Trusting their
skill in argument,
their phrase-making propensity, [950]
these two men here are now intent
to show which one will prove to be
the better man in oratory. 1200
For wisdom now is being hard pressed—
my friends, this is the crucial test.
CHORUS LEADER [addressing
the Better Argument]
First,
you who crowned our men in days gone by
with so much virtue in their
characters,
let’s hear that voice which brings you
such delight—
explain to us what makes you what
you are. [960]
BETTER ARGUMENT
All right, I’ll set out how we
organized
our education in the olden days,
when I talked about what’s just and
prospered,
when people wished to practise
self-restraint. 1210
First, there was a rule—children
made no noise,
no muttering. Then, when they went
outside,
walking the streets to the music
master’s house,
groups of youngsters from the same
part of town
went in straight lines and never
wore a cloak,
not even when the snow fell thick as
flour.
There he taught them to sing with
thighs apart.*
They had memorize their
songs—such as,
”Dreadful Pallas Who Destroys Whole
Cities,”
and “A Cry From Far Away.” These
they sang 1220
in the same style their fathers had
passed down.
If any young lad fooled around or
tried
to innovate with some new
flourishes,
like the contorted sounds we have
today
from those who carry on the Phrynis style,* [970]
he was beaten, soundly thrashed, his
punishment
for tarnishing the Muse. At the
trainer’s house,
when the boys sat down, they had to
keep
their thighs stretched out, so they
would not expose
a thing which might excite erotic
torments 1230
in those looking on. And when they
stood up,
they smoothed the sand, being
careful not to leave
imprints of their manhood there for
lovers.
Using oil, no young lad rubbed his
body
underneath his navel—thus on his
sexual parts
there was a dewy fuzz, like on a
peach.
He didn’t make his voice all soft
and sweet
to talk to lovers as he walked
along,
or with his glances coyly act the
pimp. [980]
When he was eating, he would not
just grab 1240
a radish head, or take from older
men
some dill or parsley, or eat dainty
food.
He wasn’t allowed to giggle, or sit
there
with his legs crossed.
WORSE ARGUMENT
Antiquated rubbish!
Filled with festivals for Zeus Polieus,
cicadas, slaughtered bulls, and
Cedeides.*
BETTER ARGUMENT
But the point is this—these very
features
in my education brought up those men
who fought at Marathon. But look at
you—
you teach these young men now right
from the start 1250
to wrap themselves in cloaks. It
enrages me
when the time comes for them to do
their dance
at the Panathenaea
festival
and one of them holds his
shield low down,
over his balls, insulting
Tritogeneia.*
And so, young man, that’s why
you should choose me, [990]
the Better Argument. Be resolute.
You’ll find out how to hate the
market place,
to shun the public baths, to feel
ashamed
of shameful things, to fire up your
heart 1260
when someone mocks you, to give up
your chair
when older men come near, not to
insult
your parents, nor act in any other
way
which brings disgrace or which could
mutilate
your image as an honourable man.
You’ll learn not to run off to
dancing girls,
in case, while gaping at them, you
get hit
with an apple thrown by some little
slut,
and your fine reputation’s done for,
and not to contradict your father, 1270
or remind him of his age by calling
him
Iapetus—not
when he spent his years
in raising you from infancy.*
WORSE ARGUMENT
My boy, if you’re persuaded by this
man, [1000]
then by Dionysus, you’ll finish up
just like Hippocrates’ sons—and then
they’ll all call you a sucker of the
tit.*
BETTER ARGUMENT
You’ll spend your time in the
gymnasium—
your body will be sleek, in fine
condition.
You won’t be hanging round the
market place, 1280
chattering filth, as boys do
nowadays.
You won’t keep on being hauled away
to court
over some damned sticky fierce
dispute
about some triviality. No, no.
Instead you’ll go to the Academy,*
to race under the sacred olive
trees,
with a decent friend the same age as
you,
wearing a white reed garland, with
no cares.
You’ll smell yew trees, quivering
poplar leaves,
as plane trees whisper softly to the
elms, 1290
rejoicing in the spring. I tell you
this—
if you carry out these things I
mention,
if you concentrate your mind on
them, [1010]
you’ll always have a gleaming chest,
bright skin,
broad shoulders, tiny tongue, strong
buttocks,
and a little prick. But if you take
up
what’s in fashion nowadays, you’ll
have,
for starters, feeble shoulders, a
pale skin,
a narrow chest, huge tongue, a tiny
bum,
and a large skill in framing long
decrees.* 1300
And that man there will have you
believing
what’s bad is good and what’s good
is bad. [1020]
Then he’ll give you Antimachos’ disease—
you’ll be infected with his buggery.*
CHORUS
O you whose wisdom stands so tall,
the most illustrious of all.
The odour of your words is sweet,
the flowering bloom of modest ways—
happy who lived in olden days!
[to the Worse Argument]
Your
rival’s made his case extremely well,
1310
so you who have such nice artistic
skill.
must in reply give some new frill. [1030]
CHORUS LEADER
If you want to overcome this man
it looks as if you’ll need to bring
at him
some clever stratagems —unless
you want
to look ridiculous.
WORSE ARGUMENT
It’s about time!
My guts have long been churning with
desire
to rip in fragments all those things
he said,
with counter-arguments. That’s why
I’m called
Worse Argument among all thinking
men, 1320
because I was the very first of them
to think of coming up with reasoning
against our normal ways and just
decrees. [1040]
And it’s worth lots of money—more,
in fact,
than drachmas in six figures*—to select
the weaker argument and yet still
win.
Now just see how I’ll pull his
system down,
that style of education which he
trusts.
First, he says he won’t let you have
hot water
when you take a bath. What’s the
idea here? 1330
Why object to having a warm bath?
BETTER ARGUMENT
The effect they have is very
harmful—
they turn men into cowards.
WORSE ARGUMENT
Wait a minute!
The first thing you say I’ve caught
you out.
I’ve got you round the waist. You
can’t escape.
Tell me this—of all of Zeus’
children
which man, in your view, had the
greatest heart
and carried out the hardest tasks?
Tell me.
BETTER ARGUMENT
In my view, no one was a better man [1050]
than Hercules.
WORSE ARGUMENT
And where’d you ever see 1340
cold water in a bath of Hercules?
But who
was a more manly man than him?*
BETTER ARGUMENT
That’s it, the very things which our
young men
are always babbling on about these
days—
crowding in the bath house, leaving
empty
all the wrestling schools.
WORSE ARGUMENT
Next, you’re not happy
when they hang around the market place—
but I think that’s good. If it were
shameful,
Homer would not have labelled
Nestor—
and all his clever men—great public
speakers.*
1350
Now, I’ll move on to their tongues,
which this man
says the young lads should not
train. I say they should.
He also claims they should be
self-restrained.
These two things injure them in
major ways. [1060]
Where have you ever witnessed
self-restraint
bring any benefit to anyone?
Tell me. Speak up. Refute my
reasoning.
BETTER ARGUMENT
There are lots of people. For
example,
Peleus won
a sword for his restraint.*
WORSE ARGUMENT
A sword! What a magnificent reward 1360
the poor wretch received! While Hyperbolos,
who sells lamps in the market, is
corrupt
and brings in lots of money, but,
god knows,
he’s never won a sword.
BETTER ARGUMENT
But his virtue
enabled Peleus
to marry Thetis.*
WORSE ARGUMENT
Then she ran off, abandoning the
man,
because he didn’t want to spend all
night
having hard sweet sex between the
sheets—
that rough-and-tumble love that
women like.
You’re just a crude old-fashioned Cronos. 1370 [1070]
Now, my boy, just think off all
those things
that self-restraint requires—you’ll
go without
all sorts of pleasures—boys and
women,
drunken games and tasty delicacies,
drink and riotous laughter. What’s
life worth
if you’re deprived of these? So much
for that.
I’ll now move on to physical
desires.
You’ve strayed and fallen in
love—had an affair
with someone else’s wife. And then
you’re caught.
You’re dead, because you don’t know
how to speak. 1380
But if you hang around with those
like me,
you can follow what your nature
urges.
You can leap and laugh and never
think
of anything as shameful. If, by
chance,
you’re discovered screwing a man’s
wife,
just tell the husband you’ve done
nothing wrong.
Blame Zeus—alleging even he’s
someone [1080]
who can’t resist his urge for sex
and women.
And how can you be stronger than a
god?
You’re just a mortal man.
BETTER ARGUMENT
All right—but suppose 1390
he trusts in your advice and gets a
radish
rammed right up his arse, and his
pubic hairs
are burned with red-hot cinders.
Will he have
some reasoned argument to
demonstrate
he’s not a loose-arsed bugger?*
WORSE ARGUMENT
So his asshole's large—
why should that in any way upset
him?
BETTER ARGUMENT
Can one suffer any greater harm
than having a loose asshole?
WORSE ARGUMENT
What will you say
if I defeat you on this point?
BETTER ARGUMENT
I’ll shut up.
What more could a man say?
WORSE ARGUMENT
Come on, then— 1400
Tell me about our legal advocates.
Where are they from?
BETTER ARGUMENT
They come from loose-arsed buggers.
WORSE ARGUMENT
I grant you that. What’s next? Our
tragic poets, [1090]
where they from?
BETTER ARGUMENT
They come from major assholes.
WORSE ARGUMENT
That’s right. What about our
politicians—
where do they come from?
BETTER ARGUMENT
From gigantic assholes!
WORSE ARGUMENT
All right then—surely you can
recognize
how you’ve been spouting rubbish?
Look out there—
at this audience—what sort of people
are most of them?
BETTER ARGUMENT
All right, I’m looking at them. 1410
WORSE ARGUMENT
Well, what do you see?
BETTER ARGUMENT
By all the gods,
almost all of them are men who
spread their cheeks.
It’s true of that one there, I know
for sure . . .
and that one . . . and the one there
with long hair. [1100]
WORSE ARGUMENT
So what do you say now?
BETTER ARGUMENT
We’ve been defeated.
O you fuckers, for gods’ sake take
my cloak—
I’m defecting to your ranks.
[The Better Argument takes off his cloak and exits
into the Thinkery]
WORSE ARGUMENT [to
Strepsiades]
What now?
Do you want to take your son away?
Or, to help you out, am I to teach
him
how to argue?
STREPSIADES
Teach him—whip him into shape. 1420
Don’t forget to sharpen him for me,
one side ready to tackle legal
quibbles.
On the other side, give his jaw an
edge
for more important matters. [1110]
WORSE ARGUMENT
Don’t worry.
You’ll get back a person skilled in
sophistry.
PHEIDIPPIDES
Someone miserably pale, I figure.
CHORUS LEADER
All right. Go in.
I think you may regret this later
on.
[Worse Argument and Pheidippides
go into the Thinkery, while Strepsiades returns into
his own house]
CHORUS LEADER
We’d like to tell the judges here
the benefits
they’ll get, if they help this
chorus, as by right they should.
First, if you want to plough your
lands in season, 1430
we’ll rain first on you and on the
others later.
Then we’ll protect your fruit, your
growing vines,
so neither drought nor too much rain
will damage them. [1120]
But any mortal who dishonours us as
gods
should bear in mind the evils we
will bring him.
From his land he’ll get no wine or
other harvest.
When his olive trees and fresh young
vines are budding,
we’ll let fire with our sling shots,
to smash and break them.
If we see him making bricks, we’ll
send down rain,
we’ll shatter roofing tiles with our
round hailstones. 1440
If ever there’s a wedding for his
relatives,
or friends, or for himself, we’ll
rain all through the night,
so he’d rather live in Egypt than
judge this wrong. [1130]
[Strepsiades comes out of his house, with a small
sack in his hand]
STREPSIADES
Five more days, then four, three,
two—and then
the day comes I dread more than all
the rest.
It makes me shake with fear—the day
that stands
between the Old Moon and the New—the
day
when any man I happen to owe money
to
swears on oath he’ll put down his
deposit,
take me to court.* He
says he’ll finish me, 1450
do me in. When I make a modest plea
for something fair, “My dear man,
don’t demand
this payment now, postpone this one
for me,
discharge that one,” they say the
way things are
they’ll never be repaid—then they go
at me, [1140]
abuse me as unfair and say they’ll
sue.
Well, let them go to court. I just
don’t care,
not if Pheidippides
has learned to argue.
I’ll find out soon enough.
Let's knock here,
at the thinking school.
[Strepsiades knocks on the door of the Thinkery]
Boy . . . Hey, boy . . . boy! 1460
[Socrates comes to the door]
SOCRATES
Hello there, Strepsiades.
STREPSIADES
Hello to you.
First of all, you must accept this
present.
[Strepsiades hands Socrates the small sack]
It’s proper
for a man show respect
to his son’s teacher in some way.
Tell me—
has the boy learned that style of
argument
you brought out here just now?
SOCRATES
Yes, he has.
STREPSIADES
In the name of Fraud, queen of
everything,
that’s splendid news!
SOCRATES
You can defend yourself
in any suit you like—and win.
STREPSIADES
I can?
Even if there were witnesses around 1470
when I took out the loan?
SOCRATES
The more the better—
even if they number in the
thousands.
STREPSIADES [in
a parody of tragic style]
Then
I will roar aloud a mighty shout—
Ah ha, weep now you petty money men,
wail for yourselves, wail for your
principal,
wail for your compound interest. No
more
will you afflict me with your evil
ways.
On my behalf there’s growing in
these halls
a son who’s got a gleaming two-edged
tongue— [1160]
he’s my protector, saviour of my
home, 1480
a menace to my foes. He will remove
the mighty tribulations of his sire.
Run off inside and summon him to me.
[Socrates goes back into the Thinkery]
My son,
my boy, now issue from the house—
and hearken to your father’s words.
[Socrates and Pheidippides
come out of the Thinkery. Pheidippides
has been transformed in appearance, so that he now looks, moves, and talks like
the other students in the Thinkery]
SOCRATES
Here’s your young man.
STREPSIADES
Ah, my dear, dear boy.
SOCRATES
Take him and go away.
[Socrates exits back into the Thinkery]
STREPSIADES
Ah ha, my lad—
what joy. What sheer delight for me
to gaze, [1170]
first, upon your colourless
complexion,
to see how right away you’re well
prepared 1490
to deny and contradict—with that
look
which indicates our national
character
so clearly planted on your
countenance—
the look which says, “What do you
mean?”—the look
which makes you seem a victim, even
though
you’re the one at fault, the
criminal.
I know that Attic stare stamped on
your face.
Now you must rescue me—since you’re
the one
who’s done me in.
PHEIDIPPIDES
What are you scared about?
STREPSIADES
The day of the Old Moon and the New. 1500
PHEIDIPPIDES
You mean there’s a day that’s old
and new?
STREPSIADES
The day they say they’ll make
deposits
to charge me in the courts! [1180]
PHEIDIPPIDES
Then those who do that
will lose their cash. There’s simply
no way
one day can be two days.
STREPSIADES
It
can’t?
PHEIDIPPIDES: How?
Unless it’s possible a single woman
can at the same time be both old and
young.
STREPSIADES
Yet that seems to be what our laws
dictate.
PHEIDIPPIDES
In my view they just don’t know the
law—
not what it really means.
STREPSIADES
What does it mean? 1510
PHEIDIPPIDES
Old Solon
by his nature loved the people.*
STREPSIADES
But that’s got no bearing on the Old
Day—
or the New.
PHEIDIPPIDES
Well, Solon set up two days [1190]
for summonses—the Old Day and the
New,
so deposits could be made with the
New Moon.*
STREPSIADES
Then why did he include Old Day as
well?
PHEIDIPPIDES
So the defendants, my dear fellow,
could show up one day early, to
settle
by mutual agreement, and, if not,
they should be very worried the next
day 1520
was the start of a New Moon.
STREPSIADES
In that case,
why do judges not accept deposits
once the New Moon comes but only on
the day
between the Old and New?
PHEIDIPPIDES
It seems to me
they have to act like those who
check the food— [1200]
they want to grab as fast as
possible
at those deposits, so they can
nibble them
a day ahead of time.
STREPSIADES
That’s wonderful!
[to the audience]
You
helpless fools! Why do you sit there— 1530
so idiotically, for us wise types
to take advantage of? Are you just
stones,
ciphers, merely sheep or stacked-up
pots?
This calls for a song to me and my
son here,
to celebrate good luck and victory.
[He sings]
O Strepsiades is truly blessed
for
cleverness the very best,
what a
brainy son he’s raised.
So friends
and townsfolk sing his praise.
Each time
you win they’ll envy me— 1540 [1210]
you’ll plead
my case to victory.
So let’s go
in—I want to treat,
and first
give you something to eat.
[Strepsiades and Pheidippides
go together into their house. Enter one of Strepsiades’ creditors, Pasias, with a friend as his witness]
PASIAS
Should a man throw away his money?
Never! But it would have been much
better,
back then at the start, to forget
the loan
and the embarrassment than go
through this—
to drag you as a witness here today
in this matter of my money. I’ll
make
this man from my own deme my enemy.*
1550
But I’ll not let my country
down—never— [1220]
not as long as I’m alive. And so . .
.
[raising his voice]
I’m
summoning Strepsiades . . .
[Enter Strepsiades]
STREPSIADES
Who is it?
PASIAS
. . . on this Old Day and the New.
STREPSIADES
I ask you here
to witness that he’s called me for
two days.
What’s the matter?
PASIAS
The loan you got, twelve minai,
when you bought that horse—the
dapple grey.
STREPSIADES
A horse? Don’t listen to him. You
all know
how I hate horses.
PASIAS
What’s more, by Zeus,
you swore on all the gods you’d pay
me back. 1560
STREPSIADES
Yes, by god, but Pheidippides
back then
did not yet know the iron-clad
argument
on my behalf.
PASIAS
So now, because of that,
you’re intending to deny the debt? [1230]
STREPSIADES
If I don’t, what advantage do I gain
from everything he’s learned?
PASIAS
Are you prepared
to swear you owe me nothing—by the
gods—
in any place I tell you?
STREPSIADES
Which gods?
PASIAS
By Zeus, by Hermes, by Poseidon.
STREPSIADES
Yes, indeed, by Zeus—and to take
that oath 1570
I’d even pay three extra obols.*
PASIAS
You’re shameless—may that ruin you
some day!
STREPSIADES [patting
Pasias on the belly]
This wine skin here would much better off
if you rubbed it down with salt.*
PASIAS
Damn you—
you’re ridiculing me!
STREPSIADES [still
patting Pasias’ paunch]
About
four gallons,
that’s what it should hold.
PASIAS
By mighty Zeus,
by all the gods, you’ll not make fun
of me
and get away with it!
STREPSIADES
Ah, you and your gods— [1240]
that’s so incredibly funny. And
Zeus—
to swear on him is quite ridiculous 1580
to those who understand.
PASIAS
Some day, I swear,
you’re going to have to pay for all
of this.
Will you or will you not pay me my
money?
Give me an answer, and I’ll leave.
STREPSIADES
Calm down—
I’ll give you a clear answer right
away.
[Strepsiades goes into his house, leaving Pasias and the Witness by themselves]
PASIAS
Well, what do you think he’s going
to do?
Does it strike you he’s going to
pay?
[Enter Strepsiades carrying a kneading basin]
STREPSIADES
Where’s the man who’s asking me for
money?
Tell me—what’s this?
PASIAS
What’s that? A kneading basin.
STREPSIADES
You’re demanding money when you’re
such a fool? 1590
I wouldn’t pay an obol back to anyone
[1250]
who called a basinette
a basin.
PASIAS
So you won’t repay me?
STREPSIADES
As far as I know,
I won’t. So why don’t you just hurry
up
and quickly scuttle from my door.
PASIAS
I’m off.
Let me tell you—I’ll be making my
deposit.
If not, may I not live another day!
[Pasias exits with the
Witness]
STREPSIADES [calling
after them]
That’ll
be more money thrown away—
on top of the twelve minai. I don’t want
you going thorough that just because
you’re foolish 1600
and talk about a kneading basin.
[Enter Amynias, another
creditor, limping He has obviously been hurt in some way]
AMYNIAS
Oh, it’s bad. Poor me!
STREPSIADES
Hold on. Who’s this
who’s chanting a lament? Is that the
cry [1260]
of some god perhaps—one from Carcinus?*
AMYNIAS
What’s that? You wish to know who I
am?
I’m a man with a miserable fate!
STREPSIADES
Then go off on your own.
AMYNIAS [in
a grand tragic manner]
“O cruel god,
O fortune fracturing my chariot
wheels,
O Pallas, how you’ve annihilated
me!”*
STREPSIADES
How’s Tlepolemos
done nasty things to you?* 1610
AMYNIAS
Don’t laugh at me, my man—but tell
your son
to pay me back the money he
received,
especially when I’m going through
all this pain.
STREPSIADES
What money are you talking about?
AMYNIAS
The loan he got from me. [1270]
STREPSIADES
It seems to me
you’re having a bad time.
AMYNIAS
By god, that’s true—
I was driving in my chariot and fell
out.
STREPSIADES
Why then babble on such utter
nonsense,
as if you’d just fallen off a
donkey?
AMYNIAS
If I want him to pay my money back 1620
am I talking nonsense?
STREPSIADES
I think it’s clear
your mind’s not thinking straight.
AMYNIAS
Why’s that?
STREPSIADES
From your behaviour here, it looks
to me
as if your brain’s been shaken up.
AMYNIAS
Well, as for you,
by Hermes, I’ll be suing you in
court,
if you don’t pay the money.
STREPSIADES
Tell me this—
do you think Zeus always sends fresh
water
each time the rain comes down, or
does the sun [1280]
suck the same water up from down
below
for when it rains again?
AMYNIAS
I don’t know which— 1630
and I don’t care.
STREPSIADES
Then how can it be just
for you to get your money
reimbursed,
when you know nothing of celestial
things?
AMYNIAS
Look, if you haven’t got the money
now,
at least repay the interest.
STREPSIADES
This “interest”—
What sort of creature is it?
AMYNIAS
Don’t you know?
It’s nothing but the way that money
grows,
always getting larger day by day
month by month, as time goes by.
STREPSIADES
That’s right.
What about the sea? In your opinion, 1640 [1290]
is it more full of water than
before?
AMYNIAS
No, by Zeus— it’s
still the same. If it grew,
that would violate all natural
order.
STREPSIADES
In that case then, you miserable
rascal,
if the sea shows no increase in
volume
with so many rivers flowing into it,
why are you so keen to have your
money grow?
Now, why not chase yourself away
from here?
[calling inside the house]
Bring me
the cattle prod!
AMYNIAS
I have witnesses!
[The slave comes out of the house and gives
Strepsiades a cattle prod. Strepsiades starts poking Amynias
with it]
STREPSIADES
Come on! What you waiting for? Move
it, 1650
you pedigree nag!
AMYNIAS
This is outrageous!
STREPSIADES [continuing
to poke Amynias away]
Get
a move on—or I’ll shove this prod
[1300]
all the way up your horse-racing
rectum!
[Amynias runs off stage]
You
running off? That’s what I meant to do,
get the wheels on that chariot of
yours
really moving fast.
[Strepsiades goes back into his house]
CHORUS
Oh, it’s so nice
to worship vice.
This old man here
adores it so 1660
he will not clear
the debts he owes.
But there’s no way
he will not fall
some time today,
done in by all
his trickeries,
he’ll quickly fear
depravities
he’s started here. 1670
It seems to me
he’ll soon will see
his clever son
put on the show
he wanted done
so long ago—
present a case
against what’s true
and beat all those
he runs into 1680
with sophistry.
He’ll want his son
(it may well be)
to be struck dumb. [1320]
[Enter Strepsiades running out of his house with Pheidippides close behind him hitting him over the head]
STREPSIADES
Help! Help! You neighbours,
relatives,
fellow citizens, help me—I’m begging
you!
I’m being beaten up! Owww, I’m in such pain—
my head . . . my jaw.
[To Pheidippides]
You good for nothing,
are you hitting your own father?
PHEIDIPPIDES
Yes, dad, I am.
STREPSIADES
See that! He admits he’s beating me. 1690
PHEIDIPPIDES
I do indeed.
STREPSIADES
You scoundrel, criminal—
a man who abuses his own father!
PHEIDIPPIDES
Go on—keep calling me those very
names—
the same ones many times. Don’t you
realize
I just love hearing streams of such
abuse?
STREPSIADES
You perverted asshole!
PHEIDIPPIDES
Ah, some roses! [1330]
Keep pelting me with roses!!
STREPSIADES
You’d hit your father?
PHEIDIPPIDES
Yes, and by the gods I’ll now
demonstrate
how I was right to hit you.
STREPSIADES
You total wretch,
how can it be right to strike one’s
father? 1700
PHEIDIPPIDES
I'll prove that to you—and win the
argument.
STREPSIADES
You’ll beat me on this point?
PHEIDIPPIDES
Indeed, I will.
It’s easy. So of the two arguments
choose which one you want.
STREPSIADES
What two arguments?
PHEIDIPPIDES
The Better or the Worse.
STREPSIADES
By god, my lad,
I really did have you taught to
argue
against what’s just, if you succeed
in this—
and make the case it’s fine and
justified
for a father to be beaten by his
son.
PHEIDIPPIDES
Well, I think I’ll manage to
convince you, 1710
so that once you’ve heard my
arguments,
you won’t say a word.
STREPSIADES
Well, to tell the truth,
I do want to hear what you have to
say.
CHORUS
You’ve some work to do, old man.
Think how to get the upper hand.
He’s got something he thinks will
work,
or he’d not act like such a jerk.
There’s something makes him
confident—
his arrogance is evident. [1350]
CHORUS LEADER [addressing
Strepsiades]
But
first you need to tell the Chorus here 1720
how your fight originally started.
That’s something you should do in
any case.
STREPSIADES
Yes, I’ll tell you how our quarrel
first began.
As you know, we were having a fine
meal.
I first asked him to take up his
lyre
and sing a lyric by Simonides*—
the one about the ram being shorn.
But he immediately refused—saying
that playing the lyre while we were
drinking
was out of date, like some woman
singing 1730
while grinding barley.
PHEIDIPPIDES
Well, at that point,
you should have been ground up and
trampled on—
asking for a song, as if you were
feasting [1360]
with cicadas.
STREPSIADES
The way he's talking now—
that’s just how he was talking there
before.
He said Simonides
was a bad poet.
I could hardly stand it, but at
first I did.
Then I asked him to pick up a myrtle
branch
and at least recite some Aeschylus
for me.*
He replied at once, “In my
opinion, 1740
Aeschylus is first among the poets
for lots of noise, unevenness, and
bombast—
he piles up words like mountains.”
Do you know
how hard my heart was pounding after
that?
But I clenched my teeth and kept my
rage inside,
and said, “Then recite me something
recent,
from the newer poets, some witty
verse.” [1370]
So he then right off started to
declaim
some passage from Euripides in
which,
spare me this, a brother was
enjoying sex 1750
with his own sister— from
a common mother.
I couldn’t keep my temper any more—
so on the spot I verbally attacked
with all sorts of nasty, shameful
language.
Then, as one might predict, we went
at it—
hurling insults at each other back
and forth.
But then he jumped up, pushed me,
thumped me,
choked me, and started killing me.
PHEIDIPPIDES
Surely I was entitled to do that
to a man who will not praise
Euripides, 1760
the cleverest of all.
STREPSIADES
Him? The cleverest? Ha!
What do I call you? No, I won’t say—
I’d just get beaten one more time.
PHEIDIPPIDES
Yes, by Zeus,
you would—and with justice, too.
STREPSIADES
How would that be just? You
shameless man,
I brought you up. When you lisped
your words,
I listened ‘til I recognized each
one.
If you said “waa,”
I understood the word
and brought a drink; if you asked
for “foo foo,”
I’d bring you bread. And if you said
“poo poo” 1770
I’d pick you up and carry you
outside,
and hold you up. But when you
strangled me
just now, I screamed and yelled I
had to shit—
but you didn’t dare to carry me
outside,
you nasty brute, you kept on
throttling me,
until I crapped myself right where I
was. [1390]
CHORUS
I think the hearts of younger spry
are pounding now for his reply—
for if he acts in just this way
and yet his logic wins the day 1780
I’ll not value at a pin
any older person’s skin.
CHORUS LEADER
Now down to work, you spinner of
words,
you explorer of brand new
expressions.
Seek some way to persuade us, so it
will appear
that what you’ve been saying is
right.
PHEIDIPPIDES
How sweet it is to be conversant
with
things which are new and clever,
capable [1400]
of treating with contempt
established ways.
When I was only focused on my
horses, 1790
I couldn’t say three words without
going wrong.
But now this man has made me stop
all that,
I’m well acquainted with the
subtlest views,
and arguments and frames of mind.
And so,
I do believe I’ll show how just it
is
to punish one’s own father.
STREPSIADES
By the gods,
keep on with your horses then—for me
caring for a four-horse team is
better
than being beaten to a pulp.
PHEIDIPPIDES
I’ll go back
to where I was in my argument, 1800
when you interrupted me. First, tell
me this—
Did you hit me when I was a child?
STREPSIADES
Yes.
But I was doing it out of care for
you.
PHEIDIPPIDES
Then tell me this: Is it not right
for me
to care for you in the same way—to
beat you—
since that’s what caring means—a
beating?
Why must your body be except from
blows,
while mine is not? I was born a free
man, too.
”The children howl—you think the
father
should not howl as well?” You’re
going to claim 1810
the laws permit this practice on our
children.
To that I would reply that older men
are in their second childhood. More
than that—
it makes sense that older men should
howl
before the young, because there’s
far less chance
their natures lead them into errors.
STREPSIADES
There’s no law that fathers have to
suffer this. [1420]
PHEIDIPPIDES
But surely some man first brought in
the law,
someone like you and me? And way
back then
people found his arguments
convincing. 1820
Why should I have less right to make
new laws
for future sons, so they can take
their turn
and beat their fathers? All the
blows we got
before the law was brought in we’ll
erase,
and we’ll demand no payback for our
beatings.
Consider cocks and other animals—
they avenge themselves against their
fathers.
And yet how are we different from
them,
except they don’t propose decrees?
STREPSIADES
Well then, [1430]
since you want to be like cocks in
all you do, 1830
why not sleep on a perch and feed on
shit?
PHEIDIPPIDES
My dear man, that’s not the same at
all—
not according to what Socrates would
think.
STREPSIADES
Even so, don’t beat me. For if
you do,
you’ll have yourself to blame.
PHEIDIPPIDES
Why’s that?
STREPSIADES
Because I have the right to chastise
you,
if you have a son, you’ll have that
right with him.
PHEIDIPPIDES
If I don’t have one, I’ll have cried
for nothing,
and you’ll be laughing in your
grave.
STREPSIADES [addressing
the audience]
All you men out there my age, it seems to me 1840
he’s arguing what’s right. And in my
view,
we should concede to these young
sons what’s fair.
It’s only right that we should cry
in pain
when we do something wrong.
PHEIDIPPIDES
Consider now another point.
STREPSIADES
No,
no.
It’ll finish me! [1440]
PHEIDIPPIDES
But then again
perhaps you won’t feel so miserable
at going through what you’ve
suffered.
STREPSIADES
What’s that?
Explain to me how I benefit from this.
PHEIDIPPIDES
I’ll thump my mother, just as I hit
you. 1850
STREPSIADES
What’s did you just say? What are
you claiming?
This second point is even more
disgraceful.
PHEIDIPPIDES
But what if, using the Worse
Argument,
I beat you arguing this proposition—
that it’s only right to hit one’s
mother?
STREPSIADES
What else but this—if you do a thing
like that,
then why stop there? Why not throw
yourself
and Socrates and the Worse Argument [1450]
into the execution pit?
[Strepsiades turns towards the Chorus]
It’s your fault,
you Clouds, that I have to endure
all this. 1860
I entrusted my affairs to you.
CHORUS LEADER
No.
You’re the one responsible for this.
You turned yourself toward these
felonies.
STREPSIADES
Why didn’t you inform me at the
time,
instead of luring on an old country
man?
CHORUS
That’s what we do each time we
see someone
who falls in love with evil
strategies,
until we hurl him into misery, [1460]
so he may learn to fear the gods.
STREPSIADES
O dear. That’s harsh, you Clouds, but fair
enough. 1870
I shouldn’t have kept trying not to
pay
that cash I borrowed. Now, my
dearest lad,
come with me—let’s exterminate those
men,
the scoundrel Chaerephon
and Socrates,
the ones who played their tricks on
you and me.
PHEIDIPPIDES
But I couldn't harm the ones who
taught me.
STREPSIADES
Yes, you must. Revere Paternal
Zeus.*
PHEIDIPPIDES
Just listen to that—Paternal
Zeus.
How out of date you are! Does Zeus
exist?
STREPSIADES
He does.
PHEIDIPPIDES
No, no, he doesn’t—there's no way,
1880 [1470]
for Vortex has now done away with
Zeus
and rules in everything.
STREPSIADES
He hasn’t killed him.
[He points to a small statue of a round goblet
which stands outside Thinkery]
I
thought he had because that statue there,
the cup, is called a vortex.* What
a fool
to think this piece of clay could be
a god!
PHEIDIPPIDES
Stay here and babble nonsense to
yourself.
[Pheidippides exits]*
STREPSIADES
My god, what lunacy. I was insane
to cast aside the gods for Socrates.
[Strepsiades goes up and talks to the small statue
of Hermes outside his house]
But,
dear Hermes, don’t vent your rage on me,
don’t grind me down. Be merciful to
me. 1890
Their empty babbling made me lose my
mind. [1480]
Give me your advice. Shall I lay a
charge,
go after them in court. What seems
right to you?
[He looks for a moment at the statue]
You
counsel well. I won’t launch a law suit.
I’ll burn their house as quickly as
I can,
these babbling fools.
[Strepsiades calls into his house]
Xanthias, come here.
Come outside—bring a ladder—a
mattock, too.
then climb up on top of that Thinkery
and, if you love your master, smash
the roof,
until the house collapses in on
them. 1900
[Xanthias comes out with
ladder and mattock, climbs up onto the Thinkery and
starts demolishing the roof]
Someone
fetch me a flaming torch out here.
They may brag all they like, but
here today [1490]
I’ll make somebody pay the penalty
for what they did to me.
[Another slave comes out and hands Strepsiades a
torch. He joins Xanthias on the roof and tries to
burn down the inside of the Thinkery]
STUDENT [from inside the Thinkery]
Help! Help!
STREPSIADES
Come on, Torch, put your flames
to work.
[Strepsiades sets fire to the roof of the Thinkery. A student rushes outside and looks at Strepsiades
and Xanthias on the roof]
STUDENT
You there, what are you doing?
STREPSIADES
What am I doing?
What else but picking a good
argument
with the roof beams of your house?
[A second student appears at a window as smoke
starts coming out of the house]
STUDENT
Help! Who’s setting fire to the
house?
STREPSIADES
It’s the man
whose cloak you stole.
STUDENT
We’ll die. You’ll kill us all! 1910
STREPSIADES
That’s what I want—unless this
mattock
disappoints my hopes or I fall
through somehow [1500]
and break my neck.
[Socrates comes out of the house in a cloud of
smoke. He is coughing badly]
SOCRATES
What are you doing up on the roof?
STREPSIADES
I walk on air and contemplate the
sun.
SOCRATES [coughing]
This is bad—I’m going to suffocate.
STUDENT [still
at the window]
What about poor me? I’ll be burned up.
[Strepsiades and Xanthias
come down from the roof]
STREPSIADES [to
Socrates]
Why were you so insolent with gods
in what you studied and when you
explored
the moon’s abode? Chase them off,
hit them,
throw things at them—for all sorts
of reasons,
but most of all for their impiety. 1920
[Strepsiades and Xanthias
chase Socrates and the students off the stage and exit after them]
CHORUS LEADER
Lead us on out of here. Away!
We’ve had enough of song and dance
today.
[The Chorus exits]
Notes
*Thinkery: The Greek word phrontisterion (meaning school or academy) is translated here as Thinkery, a term borrowed from William Arrowsmith's
translation of The Clouds. [Back to Text]
*During the war it was easy for slaves to run away
into enemy territory, so their owners had to treat them with much more care. [Back to Text]
*Wearing one’s hair long and keeping race horses
were characteristics of the sons of very rich families. [Back to Text]
*The interest on Strepsiades’ loans would increase
once the lunar month came to an end. [Back to Text]
*twelve minai is
100 drachmas, a considerable sum. The Greek reads “the horse branded with a koppa mark.”
That brand was a guarantee of its breeding. [Back to Text]
*Megacles was
a common name in a very prominent aristocratic family in Athens. Coesyra was
the mother of a Megacles from this family, a woman
well known for her wasteful expenditures and pride. [Back to Text]
*The Greek has “of Colias
and Genetyllis” names associated with festivals
celebrating women’s sexual and procreative powers. [Back to Text]
*Packing the wool tight in weaving uses up more
wool and therefore costs more. Strepsiades holds up his cloak which is by now
full of holes. [Back to Text]
*-hippos means
“horse.” The mother presumably wanted her son to have the marks of the
aristocratic classes. Xanthippos was the name of
Pericles’ father and his son. The other names are less obviously aristocratic
or uncommon. [Back to Text]
*Chaerephon: a
well-known associate of Socrates. [Back to Text]
*pheasants were a rich rarity in Athens. Leogoras was a very wealthy Athenian. [Back to Text]
*an obol was a relatively small amount, about a third of a
day’s pay for a jury member. [Back to Text]
*Knights is a term used to describe the affluent young men
who made up the cavalry. Pheidippides has been mixing
with people far beyond his father’s means. [Back to Text]
*A yoke
horse was part of the four-horse team which was harnessed
to a yoke on the inside. [Back to Text]
*I adopt Sommerstein’s
useful reading of this very elliptical passage, which interprets the Greek word diabetes as
meaning a passive homosexual (rather than its usual meaning, “a pair of
compasses”—both senses deriving from the idea of spreading legs apart). The
line about selling the cloak is added to clarify the sense. [Back to Text]
*Thales was a very famous thinker from the sixth century
BC. [Back to Text]
*The Athenians had captured a number of
Spartans at Pylos in 425 and brought them to Athens
where they remained in captivity. [Back to Text]
*Athenians sometimes apportioned land
by lot outside the state which they had appropriated from other people. [Back to Text]
*Attica is the territory surrounded by
and belonging to Athens. [Back to Text]
*A deme was a
political unit in Athens. Membership in a particular deme
was a matter of inheritance from one’s father. [Back to Text]
*In 446 BC the Athenians under Pericles
put down a revolt in Euboea, a large island just off the coast of Attica. [Back to Text]
*Athamas,
a character in one of Sophocles’ lost plays who was prepared for sacrifice. He was
rescued by Hercules. [Back to Text]
*Cecrops:
a legendary king of Athens. Pallas is Pallas Athena, patron goddess of Athens. [Back to Text]
*holy festivals: the Eleusinian
mysteries, a traditionally secret and sacred festival for those initiated into
the band of cult worshippers. [Back to Text]
*Mount Parnes:
a mountain range to the north of Athens. [Back to Text]
*Typho:
a monster with a hundred heads, father of the storm winds (hence, our word typhoon). [Back to Text]
*thrush: meat from a thrush was considered
a delicacy, something that might be given to the winner of a public
competition. These lines are mocking the dithyrambic poets (perhaps in
comparison with the writers of comic drama). [Back to Text]
*Xenophantes’
son: a reference to Hieronymos, a dithyrambic and
tragic poet. A centaur was known for its savage temper and wild appearance. [Back to Text]
*Simon: an allegedly corrupt
Athenian public official. [Back to Text]
*Cleonymos:
an Athenian accused of dropping his shield and running away from a battle. [Back to Text]
*Cleisthenes: a notorious
homosexual whom Aristophanes never tires of holding up to ridicule. [Back to Text]
*Prodicus:
a well-known Athenian intellectual, who wrote on a wide variety of subjects.
Linking Socrates and Prodicus as intellectual equals
would strike many Athenians as quite absurd. [Back to Text]
*Vortex: the Greek word is dinos meaning
a whirl or eddy. I adopt Sommerstein’s
suggestion for this word here. [Back to Text]
*Panathenaea:
a major annual festival in Athens. [Back to Text]
*Cronos:
the divine father of Zeus, the age of Cronos is part
of the mythic past. [Back to Text]
*Legally an Athenian who believed
someone had stolen his property could enter the suspect’s house to search. But
he first had to remove any garments in which he might conceal something which
he might plant in the house. [Back to Text]
*Trophonios’
cave was a place people went to get prophecies. A suppliant
carried a honey cake as an offering to the snakes in the cave. [Back to Text]
*win: this is a reference to the
fact that the play is part of a competition. The speech obviously is part of
the revisions made after the play failed to win first prize in its initial
production. The speaker may have been Aristophanes himself or the Chorus Leader
speaking on his behalf. [Back to Text]
*trained it: This passage is a
reference to Aristophanes’ first play, The
Banqueters, and to those who helped him get the
work produced. The child mentioned is a metaphorical reference to that work or
to his artistic talent generally. The other woman is a metaphorical reference
to Callistratos, who produced The
Banqueters. [Back to Text]
*Electra was
the sister of Orestes and spent a long time waiting to be reunited with him.
That hope kept her going. When she saw her brother’s lock of hair on their
father’s tomb, she was overjoyed that he had come back. The adjective “old”
refers to the story, which was very well known to the audience. [Back to Text]
*These lines may indicate that in The
Clouds the male characters did not wear the traditional
phalluses or that the phalluses they did wear were not of a particular kind. [Back to Text]
*Cleon was a very powerful Athenian politician after
Pericles. Aristophanes savagely attacked him in Knights. Cleon was killed in battle (in 422). Hyperbolos became a very influential politician after
Cleon’s death. [Back to Text]
*Eupolis, Phrynichos, and Hermippos were
comic playwrights, rivals of Aristophanes. [Back to Text]
*Paphlagonian
tanner is a reference to Cleon, who earned his money from
tanneries. Paphlagonia is an area in Asia Minor. The
word here implies that Cleon was not a true Athenian. [Back to Text]
*seagull was
a bird symbolic of thievery and greed. The contradiction in these speeches in
the attitude to Cleon (who died the year following the original production) may
be accounted for by the incomplete revision of the script. [Back to Text]
*holy lady is
a reference to the goddess Artemis. The aegis is
a divine cloak which has invincible powers to strike fear into the god’s
enemies. Here it is invoked as a protection for Athens, Athena’s city. Dionysus lived
in Delphi when Apollo was absent from the shrine during the winter. [Back to Text]
*Athenians followed a lunar calendar,
but there were important discrepancies due to a very careless control over
inserting extra days. [Back to Text]
*Memnon
or Sarpedon: Memnon,
the son of Dawn, was killed at Troy, as was Sarpedon,
a son of Zeus, and leader of the Lycian allies of the
Trojans.[Back to Text]
*religious council: the Amphictyonic Council, which controlled some important
religious shrines, was made up of delegates from different city states. In
Athens the delegate was chosen by lot. It’s not clear how the gods could have
removed the wreath in question. [Back to Text]
*the dactyl is named from the Greek word for finger because it consists
of one long stress followed by two short stresses, like the structure of bones
in a finger. The phrase “which is like a digit” has been added to make the
point clearer. [Back to Text]
*I adopt Sommerstein’s
suggested insertion of this line and a half in order to clarify what now
follows in the conversation, which hinges on the gender of words (masculine,
feminine, or neuter) and the proper ascription of a specific gender to words
which describe male and female objects. The word “fowl” applies to both male
and females and therefore is not, strictly speaking masculine. This whole
section is a satire on the “nitpicking” attention to language attributed to the
sophists. [Back to Text]
*kneading basin: a trough for
making bread. [Back to Text]
*Cleonymos was an Athenian politician who allegedly ran away
from the battle field, leaving his shield behind. [Back to Text]
*to masturbate: the Greek here
says literally “Cleonymos didn’t have a kneading
basin but kneaded himself with a round mortar [i.e., masturbated].”[Back to Text]
*The point of this very laboured joke
seems to be making Cleonymos feminine, presumably
because of his cowardice (running away in battle).[Back to Text]
*The three names mentioned belong to
well known Athenians, who may have all been famous for their dissolute life
style. Socrates is taking issue with the spelling of the last two names which
(in some forms) look like feminine names. Strepsiades, of course, thinks
Socrates is talking about the sexuality of the people. [Back to Text]
*Amynia:
in Greek (as in Latin) the name changes when it is used as a direct form of
address—in this case the last letter is dropped, leaving a name ending in -a, normally a feminine ending. [Back to Text]
*Corinthian is obviously a reference to bed bugs, but the link
with Corinth is unclear (perhaps it was a slang expression). [Back to Text]
*bug: children sometimes tied a
thread around the foot of a large flying bug and played with it. [Back to Text]
*The scribe would be writing on a wax
tablet which the heat would melt. [Back to Text]
*Melos: Strepsiades presumably
is confusing Socrates with Diagoras, a well known
materialistic atheist, who came from Melos (whereas Socrates did not). [Back to Text]
*died: part of the funeral
rituals in a family required each member to bathe thoroughly. [Back to Text]
*Sons of Earth: a phrase usually
referring to the Titans who warred against the
Olympian gods. Here it also evokes a sense of the materialism of Socrates’
doctrine in the play and, of course, ironically ridicules the Thinkery. [Back to Text]
*“necessary expense”: refers to
the well-known story of Pericles who in 445 BC used this phrase in official
state accounts to refer to an expensive but secret bribe he paid to a Spartan
general to withdraw his armies from Athenian territories around Athens. No one asked
any embarrassing questions about the entry. [Back to Text]
*speech: the Greek says “with
his lips sagging [or loosely apart].” Socrates is criticizing Pheidippides’ untrained voice. [Back to Text]
*talent: an enormous fee to pay
for lessons in rhetoric. Socrates is, of course, getting Strepsiades ready to
pay a lot for his son’s education. [Back to Text]
*Zeus overthrew his father, Cronos, and the Titans and imprisoned them deep inside the
earth. [Back to Text]
*Telephos
from Mysia was
a hero in a play by Euripides in which a king was portrayed as a beggar. Pandeletos was an Athenian politician. The imputation here
is that the Worse Argument once did very badly, barely surviving on his wits
and borrowed ideas. [Back to Text]
*thighs apart: keeping the
thighs together was supposed to enable boys to stimulate themselves sexually. [Back to Text]
*Phrynis
style: Phrynis was a musician who introduced
certain innovations in music around 450 BC. [Back to Text]
*Cedeides:
a dithyrambic poet well known for his old-fashioned style. The other references
are all too ancient customs and rituals (like the old tradition of wearing a
cicada broach or the ritual killing of oxen). [Back to Text]
*Marathon: a battle in 490 BC in
which a small band of Greeks, mainly Athenians, defeated the Persian armies
which had landed near Athens. The Panathenaea was a
major religious festival in Athens. Tritogeneia was
one of Athena’s titles. [Back to Text]
*Iapetus was a Titan, a brother of Cronos,
and hence very ancient. [Back to Text]
*Hippocrates was an Athenian, a
relative of Pericles. He had three sons who had a reputation for childishness. [Back to Text]
*Academy: this word refers, not
to Plato’s school (which was not in existence yet) but to a public park and
gymnasium in Athens. [Back to Text]
*long decrees: The Greek says
“and a long decree,” which makes little sense in English. The point of the joke
is to set the audience up to expect “and a long prick” (which was considered a
characteristic of barbarians). [Back to Text]
*Antimachos
was satirized in comedy as a particularly effeminate man. [Back to Text]
*drachmas: the Greek has “more
than ten thousand staters.” A stater
was a general term for non-Athenian coins, usually of high value. The idea, of
course, is equivalent to “a ton of money.” [Back to Text]
*bath of Hercules was a term commonly applied to thermal hot springs. [Back to Text]
*This part of the argument is
impossible to render quickly in English. Homer’s word is agoretes,
meaning “speaking in the assembly.” The Worse Argument is implying that, since
the word agora means
market place, Homer is commending these men for “talking in the market place.” [Back to Text]
*Peleus once
refused the sexual advances of the wife of his host. She accused him of immoral
activity, and her husband set Peleus unarmed on a
mountain. The gods admired Peleus’ chastity and provided
him a sword so he could defend himself against the wild animals. [Back to Text]
*Peleus,
a mortal king, married Thetis, a sea goddess, with the blessing of the gods.
Their child was the hero Achilles. She later left him to return to her father
(but not for the reason given in the lines following). [Back to Text]
*asshole: Someone caught in the
act of adultery was punished by having a radish shoved up his anus and his
pubic hair singed with hot ash. The various insults here ("loose-arsed
bugger," "gigantic asshole," and so on) stand for the Greek perjorative phrase "wide arsed," which, in
addition to meaning "lewd" or "disgusting," also carries
the connotation of passive homosexuality, something considered ridiculous in
mature men. Terms like "bum fucker" are too active to capture
this sense of the insult. [Back to Text]
*The person making the charge in court
had to make a cash deposit which was forfeit if he lost the case. [Back to Text]
*Solon: was a very famous Athenian law maker. In the
early sixth century he laid down the basis for Athenian laws. [Back to Text]
*Pheidippides’
hair-splitting argument which follows supposedly establishes that the law suits
against Strepsiades are illegal and should be tossed out because (in brief) the
court had taken the deposit, which the creditor had to make to launch the suit,
on the wrong day (the last day of the month instead of the first day of the new
month). The case rests on a misinterpretation of the meaning of the term Old
and New Day—which was single day between the old and the new moon. The passage
is, of course, a satire on sophistic reasoning and legal quibbling for
self-interest.[Back to Text]
*my own deme:
the deme was the basic political unit in Athens.
Membership in it passed down from one’s father. [Back to Text]
*three extra obols:
Strepsiades means here that swearing the oath will be such fun he’s prepared to
pay for the pleasure—an obvious insult to Pasias.[Back to Text]
salt*:
leather was rubbed down as part of the tanning process. The phrase “wine skin”
has been added to clarify the sense. [Back to Text]
*Carcinus:
an Athenian writer of tragic drama. [Back to Text]
*Amynias is
here quoting from a tragedy written by Carcinus’ son Xenocles. [Back to Text]
*Tlepolemos is a character in the tragedy mentioned in the
previous note. [Back to Text]
*Simonides:
was a well-known lyric poet of the previous century. [Back to Text]
*myrtle branch: traditionally a
person singing at a drinking party held a myrtle branch unless he was playing a
musical instrument. [Back to Text]
*Paternal Zeus: This seems to be
an appeal to Zeus as the guardian of the father’s rights and thus a way or
urging Pheidippides to go along with what his father
wants. The line may be a quote from a lost tragedy. [Back to Text]
Vortex: the Greek word dinos,
meaning “whirl,” “eddy,” or “vortex,” also means a round goblet. The statue of
such a goblet outside the Thinkery represents the
presiding deity of the house. [Back to Text]
*It’s not clear whether Pheidippides goes back into his house or back into the
school. If he does the latter, then the comic violence at the end of the play
takes on a much darker tone, since Strepsiades’ murderous anger includes his
son. In fact, the loss of his son might be the key event which triggers the
intensity of the final destruction. [Back to Text]
[Back to johnstonia Home Page]
Page loads on johnstonia
web files
20,606,063 
View Stats